Thursday, December 13, 2012

What Is the World's Most Easily Lost Object?

Like many people, I often have to hunt around for my keys or the remote control. But usually these things turn up eventually. I'd like to talk about another category of objects: ones that seemingly vanish from the Earth with no trace.

Take pens. No matter how many pens I stash away in my shoulder bag or jacket, I never seem to have one when I need it. They simply disappear. I can't recall the last time I had a pen run out of ink — I never seem to hold on to one for that long.

Then there are socks. They are continually disappearing, and always one at a time.

Baby socks are the worst because you can practically lose one in your fat rolls (especially if your static electricity is high that day).

But it wasn't until we had Alice that I discovered the most easily lost object of all time: the pacifier.

Elliot didn't use a pacifier, so it took until our second child to experience the mixed blessing of these things.

On one hand, they do pacify the child   some truth in advertising there. Alice can't go to sleep without hers, which she calls a "bobo."

On the other hand, when Alice can't find her pacifier, she FREAKS OUT. And that happens. A lot.

I can't tell you how many times I've woken up to hear Alice screaming, run to her crib and then found that her bobo had somehow dematerialized. I end up crawling around in the dark for several minutes trying to locate it, to no avail.

When it's 3 a.m. and I'm in this situation, I always say the same thing, "Why don't we just buy a hundred bobos and strew them around the apartment? Like EVERYWHERE."

But I'm not sure it would make a difference. Bobos vanish by the dozen. They're like reverse-Tribbles. And now that Lulu has begun using a pacifier too, the problem has only gotten worse.

These pacifier clips are helpful, but unless I can find one that is surgically implanted into the child, they aren't really a solution.

Where the hell are the pacifiers going? This is a mystery on the order of "Lost" (seasons 1-5, not 6). I'm pretty sure I'm going to open a door one day and be crushed to death by a tide of missing bobos.

But at least I'll die happy, having unlocked the universe's greatest secret.