BuboBlog: a Baby-Daddy's View of the Bay Area

Berkeley Church Has Eerie Shadow of Cross

2012-01-26T00:14:00.000-08:00

Forget about seeing the Virgin Mary on a grilled-cheese sandwich. There's a church in our neighborhood with an unintentional shadow of the cross.

I walked by this tonight on the way home from work. Because of the interplay of the streetlamps and the telephone pole, a near-perfect cross is projected onto the front of the Bethlehem Temple Church on California Street (at Derby).

If I were a more religious man, I might make something of this.

Man Freestyle Raps in Delivery Room

2012-01-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

Given my blog's interest in babies and hip-hop, I'd be remiss not to post this video of a dad freestyle rapping to the beat of a fetal heart monitor.

When Kelly was pregnant with Elliot, I burned six CDs' worth of mixes for the delivery room. (In fact, we left late for the hospital so I could finish them. Priorities, people!)

Maybe I should have just improvised.

Being a Parent Means...

2012-01-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

...looking for two socks, but finding one sock and a monster arm.

'Berkeley' Teen Program

2012-01-21T20:11:00.000-08:00

So it's actually in Oakland?

(I guess I should look past the quotation marks and be grateful they spelled Berkeley correctly — no small feat.)

Are Wings Only for Girls?

2012-01-17T23:54:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm raising a son and daughter, I've become more aware of the gender norms that society imposes on children. But here's one that took me by surprise.

Alice has a Pegasus puppet with pink wings. One of the neighborhood kids (a nearly 4-year-old girl) was over at our house and mentioned how the horse was obviously female.

"Because it's pink," I said.

"No, because it has wings."

"Wings are for girls?"

"Yes."

Apparently wings are in and of themselves a feminine trait. I suppose this is because most fairies depicted in books, television and movies are girls. (Disney in particular is a perpetrator of male-fairy discrimination.)

At what point did men lose the ability to rock a pair of wings without feeling like a chick?

I mean, Pegasus was a dude. Batman also has wings (I wish I had thought of this when conversing with the 4-year-old). And avenging angels are pretty manly.

Maybe it's not too late for men to reclaim the rights to wear wings. But we'll need to start convincing the younger generation.

'STOP Lying'

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

Someone is turning the "STOP flying" signs into "STOP lying" signs.

I guess I can get behind that movement. (And hey, maybe they're just cleaning up the graffiti one letter at a time.)

Meanwhile, this dilapidated billboard on Blake Street near San Pablo is just depressing.

"A mind is a terrible...waste"?

Maybe we should go fix this for Martin Luther King Day.

(Click here for the full series on defaced stop signs.)

Why Is This Happening to Me?

2012-01-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

A birthday is fairly bewildering for a 1-year-old. I think Alice appreciated the attention, but she had no idea what the flaming-baked-good ritual was all about.

Alice's expression while we sing her happy birthday can only be described as "WTF?"

Infant Mysteriously Turns One Year of Age With No Warning

2012-01-15T20:07:00.000-08:00

Alice had her first birthday yesterday — something that's still hard for me to believe.

A year ago, she was birthed under inauspicious circumstances. Now she's blazing her way through life as if she owns the place.

Happy birthday, Alice.

'Downton Abbeyoncé'

2012-01-13T00:14:00.000-08:00

The Internet has spawned a number of great "mash-up" sites. I'm not sure this is one of them

UPDATE: When it comes to Beyoncé mash-ups, it's hard to imagine there's anything odder/more awesome than Sugarland doing a country version of "Irreplaceable."

'Mission Impossible: Crimson Hibiscus'

2012-01-11T23:04:00.000-08:00

Someone has created a website for generating your own Beyoncé/Jay-Z baby name. (It appears to randomly pair the name of a color with a plant.)

I'm pretty sure this site is also being used to create the subtitle for the next Mission Impossible sequel.

'A Younger, Smarter, Faster Me'

2012-01-10T00:32:00.000-08:00

Jay-Z and Beyoncé have stirred up some controversy by naming their baby girl Blue Ivy (hey, it beats Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop).

My favorite explanation (not verified) is that Blue Ivy is a human follow-up to Jay-Z's three "Blueprint" albums. Ivy or "IV" would be four in Roman numerals.

Mainly I just hope she's not named after Yankees blue.

In any case, it's hard to hate on Jay-Z's new musical tribute to his baby — if only because it's so heartfelt. He calls his daughter "a younger, smarter, faster me." (Sounds like someone I know.)

Here's to baby girls, whatever they're called.

'You Don't See Anything Funny About That Lightbulb?'

2012-01-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

I was reading Elliot one of his library books (an Elephant & Piggie story), when I came across this picture.

I chuckled at Piggie getting an idea with a compact-fluorescent bulb. Then I realized there wasn't anything funny about it. That's what lightbulbs look like.

In fact, I'm not sure Elliot has ever seen an incandescent bulb in real life. When I asked him if the bulb in the story looked funny, he studied it for a while and said no.

Movie Titles That State the Premise: Part 2

2012-01-05T00:20:00.000-08:00

Slate recently decried the increase in film titles that flatly state what the movie is about. I'm not sure this is really a problem, but it does seem like the new film "Man on a Ledge" would be an offender. If you haven't seen the trailer, it's about, well, a man on a ledge.

I suppose "Clash of the Titans" should have gotten credit for a title that didn't at all describe what it was about — since there were no titans in the film. Kudos!

A sequel called "Wrath of the Titans" is coming out in March. And, based on the cast list, it appears to have no titans either.

At least they're sticking to their guns on this.

On Second Thought...

2012-01-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

There actually might be something working against the "twenty twelve" pronunciation: the Mayan prophecy.

The year 2012 is now so closely linked with the Mayan calendar, and "twenty twelve" doesn't sound very ancient and/or prophetic. "Two thousand twelve" has the weight of history.

Don't believe me? The movie "2012" used the "two thousand twelve" nomenclature...in the trailer, at least. (I didn't actually see the movie, which came out in 2009. Hard to believe it was that long ago.)

Of course, the same trailer also calls the Mayans the "world's oldest civilization." I guess we're not counting Mesopotamia, Egypt or China.

Say It With Me Now: 'Twenty Twelve'

2012-01-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

Back in the early days of 2010, I endorsed the idea of referring to the year as "twenty ten" (rather than "two thousand ten") because it saved time.

But I didn't really practice what I preached. I found myself saying "two thousand..." more often than not in 2010 and 2011. And there are lots of other people hanging on to this mannerism, even though it results in more syllables and wasted productivity.

I think 2012 is going to be different.

I was speaking to a person in the TV business, and he said he was on board with the "twenty" approach for the first time. Why? Because "twenty twelve" rolls off the tongue.

It's alliterative. So finally the forces of poetry and economy are on the same side.

There's no resisting it, people.

Cities Visited: 2011 Edition

2012-01-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

Five years ago, I began compiling an annual list of the cities I've visited. (Fellow blogger Anh-Minh gave me the idea, and she almost always has a much more impressive list than me.)

According to the rules, you have to stay overnight in a place for it to count and you can't include your current city of residence. You also only count each place once, even if you visit frequently.

Having two little ones has made it harder to travel, and so it's maybe not surprising that my list is shorter than ever this year.

At least that makes it easy to track.

Here's my list (in chronological order of when I visited):
1. Marietta, Ga.
2. Newnan, Ga.
3. Santa Cruz, Calif.
4. St. Helena, Calif.
5. Emerald Isle, N.C.

Not very impressive. I'm pretty sure even Ted Kaczynski traveled more than this.

"Happy New Year!"...at 7:47 p.m.

2012-01-01T11:16:00.001-08:00

It will be a sad day when the kids can figure out it's not really midnight.

Can We Recall Toys on Aesthetic Grounds?

2011-12-29T23:33:00.000-08:00

Build-a-Bear is recalling 30,000 of its "Colorful Heart" teddy bears, apparently because they're so horrid-looking it makes kids want to gouge their eyes out.

Actually, it's the bear's eyes that fall out. Either way, take heart — it can't hurt you anymore!

From the Huffington Post:

The eyes could loosen and fall out, posing a choking hazard to children, according to an announcement made by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. A press release states that the 16-inch high, heart-patterned bear was made available through Build-A-Bear Workshop's website and stores from about April to December of this year.

And yet, this remains commercially available.

BuboBlog Reviews 'Young Adult'

2011-12-28T00:00:00.000-08:00

"Young Adult," the new film that reunites director Jason Reitman and writer Diablo Cody, is easily the most cringe-inducing experience I've had this year — and that's meant as a compliment.

In chronicling the misadventures of Mavis Gary (Charlize Theron), a troubled writer of young-adult novels, the movie teems with awkward moments and misinterpreted signals. Much of the dialogue will make you squirm in your seat, laughing and wincing at the same time. The film also manages to be touching and surprising, and it holds up as a worthy successor to "Juno" (Reitman and Cody's last project).

"Young Adult" depicts Mavis' return to her hometown of Mercury, Minn., after finding success as a writer in the big city (well, Minneapolis). She styles herself as a best-selling author, though she's actually a ghost writer of a book series that is being discontinued. Mavis lives in a soulless high-rise and spends her days watching reality shows while nursing hangovers and chugging Diet Coke straight from a two-liter bottle.

While finishing the final book in the "Waverly Prep" line of teen-romance novels, she decides she can only restore her own happiness if she reunites with her high school boyfriend, Buddy (Patrick Wilson). Incidentally, Buddy is married and has a newborn baby.

Mavis isn't deterred by that. In fact, she sees it as her duty to free him from the prison of being a small-town family man. Along the way, she forges a friendship with another former classmate, Matt (Patton Oswalt), who she never gave the time of day during high school. Then she wreaks havoc with all of their lives, including her own.

The script displays a level of maturity that Cody didn't have with "Juno." While I enjoyed that film, the first 20 minutes were so overloaded with cutesy dialogue that it was difficult to get a sense of the characters. Cody was trying too hard to impress. Here, there's hardly any dialogue in the first 20 minutes. It quietly shows us Mavis' bleak existence — no commentary is needed. The text of the work-in-progress "Waverly Prep" novel is used as voice over, providing subtext to the actions on screen. It's the perfect way to use voice over: not for basic exposition, but to add layers to the narrative.

Theron is pitch-perfect as Mavis, and she's unafraid to cast her looks in an unflattering light (well, about as unflattering as you can make someone who looks like Charlize Theron). She keeps the character sympathetic, even when she's wounding the people around her, and finds the laughs without the film devolving into farce.

Reitman gives a nuanced look at small-town life and doesn't condescend. Sure, Mercury is filled with generic strip malls (featuring Kentacohuts) and a Macy's that was somehow lifted out of 1983. But it also has charming quirks: an all-mom rock band called Nipple Confusion and people who distill their own bourbon. Families are close-knit and happy, even without big-city glamor.

The film takes some unexpected turns in the final act, and it's hard to say whether Mavis has truly learned her lesson. She has a curious conversation with Matt's sister, who idolizes her, and the experience either destroys any progress toward self-awareness or helps her overcome her neuroses (I'm not quite sure which).

Oddly enough, it reminded me of Laura Linney's Lady Macbeth-style monologue at the end of "Mystic River," where she quells Sean Pean's conscience in favor of protecting the family. I didn't think that speech quite fit "Mystic River," and I'm not sure the analogous scene fits in "Young Adult."

Still, the film manages to keep the journey satisfying, even if you're never sure if Mavis is heading in the right direction.

BuboBlog Rating: 3.5 asterisks (out of 4)

Bumps, Humps and Missed Opportunities

2011-12-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

I snapped this photo in Santa Cruz, thinking it was a clever play on "baby bumps" — the early indication that a woman is pregnant (in this case, with a lovechild?).

'Love Bump Ahead'

It turns out "love bumps" can also mean herpes, so I'm not sure what to make of this now. (Frankly, I'm still trying to figure out what "lovely lady lumps" means.)

In Berkeley, the city distinguishes between regular old "speed bumps" and the less-aggressive kind used to slow traffic on neighborhood streets — "speed humps."

The picture above was taken in South Berkeley near San Pablo Park, and I was flabbergasted to find the sign in pristine condition (especially given how the neighborhood treats stop signs).

Talk about an opportunity for riffing by graffiti artists! What's going on, guys? Even a "that's what she said" would suffice — though it might be hard to fit on the sign.

(In Sacramento, they refer to these things as "undulations"; perhaps to remove any temptation to be clever at all.)

I had a similar reaction when we lived near Ritch Street in Mission Bay.

It would take so little effort to turn the sign into "Bitch Street," and think of the joy that would bring to innumerable passers-by (especially those with the maturity level of, say, me). And yet, to my knowledge, no one ever did.

Maybe even street vandals would prefer not to go after the low-hanging fruit.

How Do You Stage Santa's B&E?

2011-12-26T13:52:00.000-08:00

This was the first year that we pushed the Santa mythology on Elliot (he was barely 2 at Christmastime last year, so everything went over his head).

He seemed to accept that a portly elf would be coming down the chimney and filling our stockings with gifts (hello, terrifying). But then Elliot asked why we hadn't left open the fireplace grate. So we did that.

After Elliot went to bed, we tried to arrange the scene to make it seem convincing that Santa had been there. We left a note, a half-eaten cookie and an empty glass with milk residue.

Was that enough? Should I overturn some furniture to make it seem like a real breaking-and-entering? Maybe leave ash and sooty fingerprints everywhere?

In the end, Elliot seemed to buy it without too much embellishing.

When someone's giving you presents, you don't ask too many questions.

BuboBlog Reviews 'Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol'

2011-12-24T00:03:00.000-08:00

(I promised to review more Oscar contenders in the waning days of 2011. Well, this isn't one of them. But it is the No. 1 movie at the box office — you'll have to take what you can get.)

You may be wondering why we needed a fourth installment of "Mission: Impossible." The current film series is 15 years old, and the original TV show debuted 45 years ago. Moreover, Tom Cruise's antics in recent years have made him a less bankable star.

So how do you freshen up this franchise? By bringing in a director who has never done a live-action film before. Brad Bird, the man behind Pixar's "Ratatouille" and "The Incredibles," takes the helm this time and largely succeeds. He proves he can make real people (not just computer animation) come to life on screen.

You get the sense that every shot of the movie was meticulously arranged, just as Pixar animators laboriously render one of their films. But the new "Mission: Impossible" also is surprisingly uncartoonish. When Cruise repeatedly slams into cars and other large machinery, it feels like it really hurts — even if there's never a mark on him afterwards.

That's not to say the film isn't ludicrous, but it's a good ludicrous, in keeping with the tradition of the series. This movie jumps from one set piece to the next, pushing the intensity as far as it will go. It's not good enough for Cruise to swing into the window of a skyscraper 130 floors up. He has to run out of rope, then rely on the wind, then miss the window, then get pulled in after barely grasping someone's arm.

What I like is there's clarity to the action. It's always easy to follow who is punching whom and where people are in relation to one another. This may not sound like a big deal, but after more than a decade of Michael Bay and Guy Ritchie, we've come to accept unintelligible action sequences. Even Christopher Nolan, one of my favorites, has trouble orchestrating a cogent fight scene.

The script was tightly constructed by a pair of ex-"Alias" writers (J.J. Abrams' Bad Robot produced the film, along with Cruise himself). It's a run-of-the-mill premise involving a villain trying to get launch codes so he can start a nuclear war between Russia and the United States. ("Ghost Protocol" refers to the U.S. government having to disavow knowledge of the Impossible Missions team, which I kind of thought they already did.) In any case, all that doesn't matter much. The series has always been more about the missions and figuring out how the agents will complete their immediate tasks.

The action takes us to Moscow, Dubai and Mumbai in search of the launch codes, and the agents get to use some pretty cool technology (everything from magnetic hover suits to holographic room dividers). I also was excited to see San Francisco get a cameo — specifically, the Transamerica Pyramid. But I always wonder why these jobs require them to do so much globetrotting. Couldn't an entire mission take place in suburban Toronto for once?

Side Note: I propose that we eliminate car-accident deaths by training all Americans to become "Mission: Impossible" agents. No one ever dies in a car crash in these movies. Like, ever.

The cast was solid, with Simon Pegg providing comic relief and Jeremy Renner (from "The Hurt Locker") playing the team's mysterious newcomer. It also was good to see Josh Holloway (Sawyer from "Lost") make an appearance, even if they kill him off almost immediately. (I guess "Lost" killed him off as well, but then, they killed everyone off.)

A couple plot points didn't make a lot of sense, including the part where the villain disguises himself as one of his henchman (to what end?). Also, could the Impossible Missions Force please stop referring to themselves as the IMF? It's confusing because we already have a well-known entity known as the IMF. It's called...the IMF.

Another quibble: The final scene was a bit hokey and fell flat. (During a discussion about teamwork, I almost expected the characters to break into the "Wonder Pets" theme: "What's going to work? Teamwork!") Until that point, "Ghost Protocol" rarely lets up. It even manages to make a sequence in a parking garage into a thrill ride. I could point out the implausibility of an Indian garage filled with left-side-driver cars. But if that's going to bother you, this may not be your kind of movie.

BuboBlog Rating: 3.5 asterisks (out of 4)

Santa Claus Negotiating 101: What Not to Do

2011-12-23T00:00:00.000-08:00

There was a man dressed as Santa Claus at Christmas Tree Lane, which gave Elliot his first real-life encounter with St. Nick.

We plopped him down on Santa's knee, but clearly Elliot didn't understand the protocol. He spent the whole time telling Santa about toys he already had ("I have a panda"). Maybe he just wanted an opportunity to flaunt his stuffed-animal wealth in front of others, but it was very sweet.

I think the experience speaks to Elliot's complete lack of expectations. Even after all the holiday buildup (including the Advent calendar), Elliot probably wouldn't notice if we decided not to hold Christmas at all. There certainly isn't a specific gift that he's requested. I thought this might be the case for all 3-year-olds, but Elliot's friends aren't like that.

On the way home, Elliot remembered more stuff that Santa didn't need to get him. (He regretted not telling him that he already has an antelope.)

Elliot also asked if we could bring our copy of "The Night Before Christmas" to Santa because he'd probably like to read it. "I think he's heard that one," I said.

If this is a phase, I hope it lasts forever.

A Trip to Alameda's Christmas Tree Lane

2011-12-22T23:41:00.000-08:00

If you're an East Bay resident with kids, it's pretty hard to avoid going to Alameda's Christmas Tree Lane at some point or another. It's like trying to avoid seeing "Avatar" or that video where the cat puts the baby to sleep.

We went for the first time this week, and the kids loved it. (Well, Elliot loved it. Alice just sat in her stroller and gurgled contentedly.)

Christmas Tree Lane is a block of Thompson Avenue where every house is decorated — many to an insane degree. I've heard it's part of their neighborhood association that you have to go bananas at Christmastime. (I assume they let people do Hanukkah decorations too, though I didn't see much evidence of that.)

A lot of the displays involved animatronics, and one even had lights that were synchronized with the soundtrack to "The Nightmare Before Christmas."

One of Elliot's favorites was a Santa that would hide inside a tree and then pop out to ambush onlookers. I called him Viet Cong Santa.

I preferred the Tintin display. It's still hard to believe we've reached a point where Tintin is this mainstream in America.

The Grinch, Peanuts characters and the Muppets also were featured prominently. Elliot didn't recognize any of them.

However, he was thrilled when he saw this one. "APPLE!"

It's amazing that a company logo can elicit so much excitement from a 3-year-old.

Gifts for the Children of Your Arch Enemies

2011-12-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog: five perfect gifts for the children on your list — assuming they aren't actually your children and you can flee the home immediately afterwards.

1. The Pump Action Marshmallow Blaster

Apparently there was demand for a higher-powered way to shoot marshmallows at other people. (This is the biggest of four Hammacher Schlemmer marshmallow firearms — a lineup that includes a "Marshmallow Wrist Cannon" — so we appear to be locked in a marshmallow arms race.)

As with a nuclear assault, the aftereffects of a marshmallow attack can be just as devastating. Use of this weapon virtually guarantees that you'll be finding sticky, gelatinous substances under your couch for years.

2. Children's Night Vision

You know that creepy teenage boy on your street who never makes eye contact? You definitely need to get him this.

I like how the catalog tries to assure us that it will be used to view, say, a cat.

Riiiight.

3. Children's DJ Station

It's loud and makes your kid look like a complete tool — where do I order?

Based on the photo, the product would seem to ensure the child has the kind of social life that later requires night-vision glasses. (Way to get a customer for life, Hammacher Schlemmer.)

4. Water Squirting Remote Controlled Car

"Oh hey, cool car. Wait, what? Why is it shooting me with water? WHY DOES THIS EXIST???" —everyone who has ever encountered this toy.

5. Foam Dart Rotary Cannon

This gift is great if your son really likes guns but isn't yet COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC.

I haven't seen that insane a facial expression since the finale of "Bloodsport."

The Saab (Sob) Story Comes to an End

2011-12-20T08:30:00.000-08:00

I feel like my blog has become an exercise in nostalgia lately. I apologize for that, though here's one more installment. Saab filed for liquidation yesterday, ending a nearly 70-year run of producing quirky cars that elicited equal parts love and frustration.

I had a Saab 9-3 for years (pictured here) and mostly enjoyed its curiosities: You had to put it in reverse to take the keys out of the ignition, which for some reason was located between the front seats. I bought the car used and was motivated by the fact that Saabs lost their resale value faster than any other vehicle in their class. That's good if you buy one secondhand; not so great if you're getting it new.

The car felt solid and safe, but little things would often break and it was expensive to maintain. I can understand why it remained a niche product — though if you drive through parts of Marin (say, Point Reyes Station), you might think they were the dominant brand in America.

Kelly couldn't drive the Saab because she never mastered a stick shift. And it would have been a terrible car to learn on, since it was easy to stall (especially while navigating the hills of San Francisco). When we had kids, that sealed the deal: We had to sell it and buy a car she could actually drive.

I always wondered if I'd own another Saab someday. Now it appears that I won't.

Ah, well. One more bygone thing to tell the kids about. My Saab tales will at least be more exciting than my stories about shopping at Mervyns.

'Foul Weather May Postpone Christmas'

2011-12-20T00:30:00.000-08:00

A final note about an oddity in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer": The program starts with a montage of newspaper headlines describing a mammoth snow storm.

The papers are dated December 1964 (the time the show originally aired). And yet, when Burl Ives appears as the snowman narrator, he refers to a big snow storm "a couple of years ago." This is the kind on inconsistency that we'd never notice in the pre-HD days — there's no way you'd be able to make out the date on any of the newspapers.

I also found it funny that the final paper in the montage is the San Francisco Chronicle.

It seems pretty unlikely that snow would cancel Christmas in the Bay Area. But then again, there was snow here in 1962 — "a couple of years" before the TV special originally aired. Maybe this freak California snowstorm inspired the writers.

I Googled some of the other headlines on the page ("Moon Shot Is Right on Target," "An Open Door In Space") to see if they were taken from a real edition. But without checking library archives, it's hard to tell.

Interestingly, the Lodi News-Sentinel used a similar "Moon Shot" headline a few months after the special first aired.

That layout looks like it's from 100 years ago. I guess even in 1965 newspapers hadn't yet learned the value of white space.

What I'd Forgotten About 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'

2011-12-19T00:30:00.000-08:00

Elliot's old enough now to start watching some of the classic Christmas specials, providing me with the opportunity to revisit them. The other night we saw "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," the stop-motion-animation special that first aired in 1964. During my youth, it was required viewing every Christmas.

Elliot loved it. But the kid also will watch a locomotive decoupling for 15 minutes, so that's not saying much.

I was surprised by how much I'd forgotten about the special, which I hadn't seen in at least 20 years. And it was interesting to watch it in near-perfect definition. Despite the fact that we were viewing a free clip on YouTube, the video quality was vastly better than anything I'd experienced in the 1970s or '80s — when we were hampered by static, ghosting and a dim CRT picture.

Here's what most surprised me in viewing it again:

1. Rudolph is born and learns to talk the same day. I realize reindeer have fast maturation periods, but this seems unlikely.

2. Santa is a complete dick. When he initially discovers Rudolph's condition, he reacts with open disgust. Then Santa tells Rudolph he won't have a chance to make the reindeer team if the problem doesn't clear up. Later, when the elves try desperately to please the old man with a song ("We Are Santa Elves"), Santa tells them it needs work and marches out, slamming the door. I'm surprised he didn't throttle the imperial elf commander with a telekinesis chokehold.

3. What's with the odd subplot where Santa is skinny and then Mrs. Claus has to fatten him up every year so he can satisfy the children's expectations? (Maybe this is why he's so pissed.) Who is he, Bobby De Niro? This can't be healthy.

4. Hermey the elf opens a dental practice with no medical training whatsoever.

5. They remove the Abominable Snow Monster's teeth to avoid being eaten. Then they give him a job at the North Pole putting ornaments on trees. Great, but what about the years of agony as he subsides on a liquid diet?

6. The dialogue on the Island of Misfit Toys is pretty bleak. Doll for Sue: "I haven't got any dreams left to dream. We'll never get off this island. Never." I'm pretty sure that line was lifted directly from Eugene O'Neill's "Long Day's Journey Into Night."

7. Doll for Sue's dim outlook was perhaps warranted. At the end of the story, Santa doesn't deliver the misfit toys himself; he just gives them umbrellas and drops them out of the sleigh from a high altitude. Again, this Santa could give a shit.

Christmas Trees Made Out of Random Crap: Part Two

2011-12-18T09:18:00.000-08:00

Funny coincidence: On the day I posted my item about the Emeryville shopping-cart tree, the New York Times ran a story about lobster-trap trees in New England (thanks for the tip, BuboBlog Philadelphia correspondent Guy).

Photo courtesy of the New York Times

From the New York Times:

Gloucester (Mass.) is believed to have started the tradition of the large lobster trap tree when it built its first one in 2001. Janice Lufkin Shea, who was a Gloucester shopkeeper at the time, was frustrated that Main Street had no holiday display. She saw a tiny lobster trap tree in someone’s yard and thought a bigger version would be perfect for downtown.

Legend has it that when people in Rockland, Me., learned of it, they decided they had to have one, too.

“Well, we’re the lobstering capital of Maine — we should have a trap tree,” said Lorain Francis, the executive director of Rockland Main Street Inc., which has organized the tree construction since the town first built one in 2003. Each year, the town holds a ceremony at which Santa Claus lights the tree with help from the winner of the annual Maine Lobster Festival Sea Goddess pageant.

Photo courtesy of the New York Times

This tradition seems pretty benign, though I've discussed before how Maine's use of the red lobster as its symbol (rather than a healthy brown one) is an odd celebration of death:

Everywhere you go, all you see is red lobsters.Red lobsters on signs, red lobsters on T-shirts, red lobsters on license plates.

That's great and all, but lobsters only turn red after you cook them. So if you're giving your kid a red-lobster stuffed animal, you're saying, "Go play with this dead thing."

Christmas is about death and rebirth. I suppose the lobsters die so that they can be reborn as a delicious thing in my belly.

Works for me.

The Shopping Cart Tree: Is It Subversive or Super Unsubversive?

2011-12-17T15:17:00.001-08:00

At the center of Emeryville's Bay Street shopping center is an unusual Christmas tree. It's made of shopping carts.

If this artwork was in the SFMOMA, it would be lauded as a searing indictment of our consumer culture.

Instead, it's in a shopping mall, so what message are we meant to deduce? Christmas is about buying stuff? Maybe it's refreshingly honest for a retail complex to promote this view.

The artist, Anthony Schmitt, gives a more nuanced explanation on his website:

“The shopping cart tree symbolizes both generosity and abundance, as well as acknowledging those less fortunate where their whole world may be housed in a cart. We see shopping carts everyday and take them for granted. Individually the beauty of an everyday object may become invisible, but in quantity you can’t miss it.”

Hmm...okay.

I should note that the piece is not called a "Christmas" tree — it's just a generic holiday tree. So even though it seems to promote capitalism, it may still run afoul of Fox News' "War on Christmas" coverage.

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Times Change, Smiles Stay the Same

2011-12-16T07:30:00.000-08:00

Whether they're living through Watergate or climate change, babies will always find something to be happy about.

Me (1974)

Alice (2011)

Annoying, isn't it?

Jehovah's Witnesses Ask for Me by Name

2011-12-15T22:48:00.000-08:00

Since we've moved to Berkeley, a lot more people come to our door trying to talk to us. Often they're selling newspapers, vacuums or cuts of meat, but occasionally they want to talk about religion.

Apparently I've developed a reputation with the local Jehovah's Witness community because they now come to our door and ask for me.

Last time, when Kelly said I was busy, they left a personalized note on the pamphlet: "Hi Nick, sorry I missed you. Hope the kids feel better soon. I'll check back in a few weeks."

I'm pretty sure they have me in their database as: "Friendly fellow. Seems impressionable. Watch out for his wife."

But seriously, are natural disasters punishment from God?

An Early Use of 'Snail Mail'

2011-12-14T23:20:00.000-08:00

"Frog and Toad Are Friends," a favorite in our household, contains an early reference to "snail mail" (sort of). Frog gives a letter to a snail, who takes four days to deliver it a short distance. The book was published in 1970, so the term "snail mail" didn't exist — at least, not the way we know it today.

The story depicts the pleasure of receiving a letter from a friend (or rather, anticipating a letter — since they spend most of the time waiting for the snail to arrive).

When I was a kid, I would fill out cards in magazines asking for more information from the advertisers — just so I could get letters. I also had a cherished book called "SWAK" that showed how to get free stuff through the mail (the process often entailed sending someone a SASE). Needless to say, the book appears to be out of print.

Now that we're approaching end of days for the U.S. Postal Service, I imagine today's kids will never know what SWAK and SASE even stand for.

A Disturbing Scene

2011-12-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

I walked into Elliot's room yesterday to find this arrangement of toys.

I'm not sure what happened here, but I feel like Blue Dog knows more than he's letting on.

Christmas Tree Shopping: Then and Now

2011-12-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

What's it like to go Christmas tree shopping in 2011? For us, it started by piling the family into the car and then realizing we didn't know where the nearest tree lot was. So Kelly summoned Siri on her new iPhone to find out.

Unfortunately, Siri didn't understand the question — even after Kelly repeated it several times.

After we sat in the car for several minutes, one of our neighbors came over to help. She's lived in Berkeley longer than us and recommended several Christmas tree lots. Then she said, "Look at you, getting Christmas tree advice from a Jew." This made me wonder what religion Siri is.

We ended up at a tree lot in Emeryville that had a bouncy slide...

...a petting zoo...

...and, yes, a few Christmas trees (though not so many to warrant the excessive sideshow, I'd say).

When I was young child, we lived in rural New England. My family and I would trudge out into the snow with a saw and cut down the tree ourselves. As our mittens thawed by a wood-burning stove, we celebrated with a cup of hot chocolate.

I'm not sure anyone took photographs, so this lithograph will have to do.

My children will not experience that. But they did get to zoom down an inflatable slide beneath palm trees while enjoying the California sunshine. This has to be some form of progress.

We debated what tree to get for a while, but at least no one was carrying a saw (that would usually escalate the arguments during my youth).

After sealing the deal, we took the tree home and decorated it.

I'd say it looks just as good as the ones from the old days.

And on the plus side: No one threatened to hack up another family member.

Could Roomba Develop a Pacifier, Please?

2011-12-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

Elliot never got into pacifiers, but Alice loves them. It's part of what makes our two children complete opposites (the only thing they seem to share is they both think Elliot is awesome).

When you have a pacifier-loving baby, you realize there's a frequent ritual. She'll misplace it in the middle of the night and start crying. That forces the parent to get up and feel around the crib to try and find it.

Trust me: If it's dark and I don't have my glasses on, there's little chance I'm going to find anything. They sell clips that at least keep the pacifier near the baby's head, but that doesn't quite do the trick.

There has to be a better way. Can we please have a Roomba pacifier — something that can automatically return itself to baby's mouth? I'm thinking of something like the spiders in "Minority Report"...but maybe less terrifying.

Can we make this happen?

UPDATE: It's not really related, but it's impossible to discuss robots without mentioning DJ Roomba.

'Mighty Machines': Canadian Mind Control Continues

2011-12-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

I've spoken before about the outsized influence that Canadian TV programs have on young children. Well, as far as Elliot in concerned, this show may be the mother of them all: "Mighty Machines."

"Mighty Machines" is a half-hour program showing how different vehicles and construction equipment works. For instance, an episode will be dedicated to a train yard or street sweepers.

The production values are fairly low. It's just video of machines at work — plus hokey voiceover where people pretend to be the vehicles: "Look at me delivering box cars!"

We're watching episodes on Netflix that were produced in the mid-1990s, which means they look like they're from the 1980s (I'm using the Robin Scherbatsky conversion standard here: "The '80s didn't come to Canada 'til like '93").

Anyway, Elliot ADORES it.

Amid criticism about "SpongeBob SquarePants" and concerns that kids' shows are too frenetic, it's worth noting that "Mighty Machines" is the polar opposite.

The camera lingers on the lumbering work of each vehicle (there was an episode on race cars, but that's as fast-paced as it gets). It makes "Masterpiece Theater" look like it was directed by Michael Bay.

The appeal mainly speaks to the allure of machines on kids. (The show has been described as "porn for little boys.")

I guess you don't need to dress that up.

'Daddy, Is It Tomorrow?'

2011-12-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

When we were kids, my brothers and I would go nuts over our Advent calendar. I remember how exciting it was to open the tiny window each day, knowing we were 24 hours closer to Christmas.

Behind each window was a picture — something related to the story of Jesus.

A picture...that's all. And yet this was somehow thrilling. (Making it more absurd: We'd recycle the same calendar more than one year, so I'd seen the pictures before.)

Well, nowadays kids have more options. Many Advent calendars have chocolates inside, and there's even one with Legos. (A co-worker got this for his children.)

Why is the cop about to arrest a Christmas tree?

For Elliot, we bought the Trader Joe's Advent calendar, which somehow is only 99 cents (is this a loss leader?). Elliot loves it.

But he's also at an age when he's very easy to satisfy (or maybe this is his personality?) and makes no assumptions about anything.

Every day, we'll take out the calendar and get ready to open one of the windows.

"I wonder what it's going to be," Elliot says.

After it's revealed to be chocolate (spoiler alert: they're all chocolate), he'll say, "Mmm...chocolate!"

Then we'll tell him he has to wait until tomorrow to open another one.

That leads to him frequently asking if it's tomorrow yet. Kelly tried to explain that it will never be tomorrow; it's always today. But that didn't seem to clear things up. (In fact, I started to get confused myself.)

Anyway, Elliot seems most excited about the ritual and doing an activity with his parents.

I'm pretty sure he'd be perfectly thrilled to open the window and just stare at a picture.

'Three-Year-Olds Are Terrible at Hide-and-Seek'

2011-12-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

In this video, Elliot and cousin Margot have a blast playing hide-and-seek — despite having no understanding of how to hide or seek.

Once again, enthusiasm trumps competence.

Nothing Is Safe From Berkeley's Misspelling Spree

2011-12-05T22:44:00.001-08:00

You all remember my August exposé on how the city of Berkeley can't spell Berkeley.

Well, this is nearly as bad.

UC Berkeley provides free parking to its Nobel laureates. But apparently they don't promise to spell Nobel correctly, as the Berkeleyside site points out.

Photo courtesy of Berkeleyside

Fortunately, the sign was later corrected.

UC Berkeley is affiliated with 47 Nobel laureates — one more than Harvard. So we really should get this right. (Stanford, with only 26, could be excused for making such a mistake.)

Well, That's Terrible Advice

2011-12-04T17:45:00.001-08:00

I would think large trucks should take it slow.

(Snapped on Channing Way in Berkeley — one block from Haste Street.)

Movie Titles That State the Premise

2011-12-01T00:03:00.001-08:00

As I've discussed many times, I like any movie with the guts to say its own title.

But what about movies that state their premise in the title? That's the subject of a recent Slate story, which laments the fact that the names of so many films and TV shows these days are expository:

This week Fox premieres a new half-hour sitcom starring Jaime Pressly and Katie Finneran titled I Hate My Teenage Daughter. Early semiotic analysis indicates it’s about two women who hate their teenage daughters. As such, the premise is unlikely to surprise viewers of CBS’s 2 Broke Girls, which — spoiler alert — follows the lives of two broke girls.

Indeed, the two shows are but the latest in a cavalcade of Hollywood products outfitted not with a title but a blunt abbreviation of a concept. Ads for these releases paper bus stops and billboards, resembling, in their flagrance, whacky American hits in crude translation: Tower Heist, Our Idiot Brother, Bridesmaids, Stepbrothers, Wedding Crashers, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Snakes on a Plane, Cowboys and Aliens, Alien vs. Predator, The Social Network.

I think the author muddles his point with some of these examples. "Bridesmaids" and "Stepbrothers" don't really state their premises — certainly neither title contains a high-concept "elevator pitch" that would make a producer interested in the project. ("Star Wars," released almost 35 years ago, was far more overshare-y with its title.)

Anyway, the writer blames YouTube for the trend, since most of those videos tell you upfront what they're about. (Am I guilty of this with "The Happiest Baby on Earth"?)

I'm not sure if this is a related issue, but I do very much like the opening sequence to the sitcom "The New Girl." The theme song repeatedly asks, "Who's that girl?" before telling the audience, "It's Jess!"

If that's destroying the mystery, so be it.

Does 'Three Little Pigs' Send a Dangerous Message?

2011-11-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

"Three Little Pigs" is one of Elliot's favorite stories, but I wonder if it's giving him the wrong message about unreinforced brick masonry.

Here in California, using bricks as a building material is generally a bad idea. And there's no evidence that the third little pig braces his walls with a steel frame. (He doesn't even bolt his house to the foundation for chrissake.)

From the Earthquake Country Alliance:

Houses built of unreinforced masonry — bricks, hollow clay tiles, stone, concrete blocks, or adobe — are very likely to be damaged during earthquakes. The mortar holding the masonry together is generally not strong enough to resist earthquake forces. Anchorage of walls to the floor and the roof is critical. These houses are weak (brittle) and can break apart. Walls may fall away or buckle, resulting in damage.

How can we call ourselves responsible parents if we teach our kids that using brick is OK?

Ikea Hackers Make a 'Hobo Stove'

2011-11-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

The Ikea Hackers site is devoted to customizing the Swedish furniture giant's products or finding creative uses for them.

One recent entry featured this "hobo stove," made by cutting a hole in an Ordning cutlery stand and adding two tent sticks to the top. (Thanks for pointing this out, BuboBlog Bonny Doon correspondent Terri.)

Photo courtesy of Ikea Hackers

Ten years ago, I created my own hobo stove, though I called it The Ghetto Hearth.

At the time I had hoped to take the home-furnishing world by storm with a line of urban accents, but I never got past this one prototype.

The Ghetto Hearth

It worked pretty well, though it produced no heat (it used one of those fake-flame things).

Not actually warm

At some point, Kelly made me put it in storage — something about it serving no practical purpose.

Maybe I can donate it to an Occupy camp.

Help! Our House Is Infested With Hexbugs

2011-11-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

If you have young children, you may be familiar with the Hexbug line of robot insects.

We only discovered them three months ago, when Elliot got one for his birthday. Since then I've seen lots of kids with them, and we now have three skittering around our house. (Is this toy the Stretch Armstrong of the 2010s?)

Here's a video of Elliot playing with the Hexbug Nano, which relies on hearing-aid batteries and sensors to get around.

The thing will disappear under our couch and I'm always sure we're never going to see it again. But somehow it manages to find its way out every time.

There are at least seven models, including this new Larva bug, as featured on the Laughing Squid blog.

I'm a little concerned by how much that one resembles a Cybermat.

BuboBlog Reviews 'The Descendants'

2011-11-27T21:40:00.001-08:00

(Thanks to grandparent babysitting, we were able to sneak away to a movie this weekend. It's been four months since seeing my last movie in the theater. I'll try to improve on this record as the Oscar contenders begin getting released.)

Like a lot of people, I had high hopes for "The Descendants." How can you go wrong? It stars George Clooney, the picture is directed by Alexander Payne (his first feature since 2004's "Sideways"), and it promises to show a side of Hawaii rarely glimpsed by tourists. "The Descendants" also has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 91.

Clooney plays Matt King, whose family stands to gain a fortune from the sale of a large parcel of undeveloped land on Kauai. He's the trustee in charge of approving the deal, leaving the hopes of his numerous cousins in his hands. Complicating matters: His wife is comatose after a boating accident, and he has two out-of-control daughters.

He soon discovers two things about his wife: (a) she's going to die (b) before her accident, she had planned to leave him for another man. While grieving and trying to corral his daughters, King embarks on a quest to find the paramour.

That setup leads to some poignant moments (how could it not?) and a fairly interesting plot, especially as King discovers that his wife's lover is more intertwined with his family saga than he realized. And as always, Clooney is great.

But the film is muddled and doesn't have the payoff it should have. It doesn't help that "The Descendants" begins with a clunker of a voiceover. The first few scenes consist of heavy narration, interspersed with bits of dialogue. At some point, the voiceover drops out of the film altogether, so you have to wonder ifit wasn't added because audiences had trouble understanding what was going on. That kind of jury-rigged filmmaking is never a good omen.

I didn't really buy King's pursuit of his wife's lover, at least not in the way it was depicted. And the question of why she wanted to leave him in the first place goes unanswered. (The film doesn't really shine any light on King's character defects.) Side note: Was it an inside joke to have Judy Greer play a character named Julie Speer? Just wondering.

In the end, King makes a decision about the land deal that I suppose makes sense — it speaks to the film's theme of reconnecting with family. But it felt a bit arbitrary. And his making peace with the death of his wife was unsatisfying, since the audience lacked enough insight into their marriage, both in terms of what made it special and what made it fail.

I did love the view into the everyday lives of Hawaiians — something so seldom shown on screen. It's worth noting, though, that these are mainly white Hawaiians (King's family is meant to be descended from a Hawaiian princess, but the bloodline is clearly diluted by his generation). I suppose the real breakthrough would be to see a mainstream film about Hawaiian Hawaiians.

BuboBlog Rating: 2.5 asterisks (out of 4)

'My 1st Activity Farm Walker'

2011-11-26T09:18:00.001-08:00

Pray tell, how many Activity Farm Walkers does one have over the course of his or her life?

A House Divided: Is It Wrong to Sit Apart From Your Kids?

2011-11-25T16:45:00.000-08:00

While we miss Kelly's relatives in Atlanta, I was grateful not to have to get the kids onto an airplane this year (we drove down to Santa Cruz instead for Thanksgiving with my family).

But somehow our children managed to make an 80-minute drive almost as grueling an ordeal as a cross-country flight. We had to stop three times along the way: once for Elliot to go to the bathroom in a derelict part of Oakland, once to eat, and once for Alice to turn a McDonald's restroom into a Superfund site.

When we dressed Alice for Thanksgiving dinner, she was wearing a pretty dress and tights. By the time she actually got to the table, she had on old pair of boy's pajamas.

Now I'm wondering if flying would have been better.

In that vein: Here's something that could be good or bad news, depending on your view.

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that many families are struggling to get seat assignments together when they fly.

Several factors are at play. First, many seats on flights are reserved for elite-level frequent fliers or full-fare business travelers. Routinely full flights have less seat-assignment flexibility. Also, airlines are increasingly selling choice seat assignments for extra fees, an expensive option for families. And bulkhead rows at the front of coach cabins that used to be ideal for traveling with infants, offering more privacy for diaper changes and more space for restless toddlers, now have to be reserved for passengers with disabilities. As a result, families often end up separated or at the back of the plane....

Baltimore mom Teresa Toth-Fejel flies AirTran occasionally and has been told by airline agents that if she wants seats together with her kids — ages 1, 2 and 6 — she should pay extra for reserved seat assignments. She sets alarms for 24 hours before departure to check-in online. "I'm so freakishly worried about it," she said.

I can speak to this issue firsthand. When we flew back from North Carolina, the airline put Elliot all by himself.

The idea of forcing a stranger to answer all his questions for a five-hour flight appealed to me enormously. (Kelly, however, intervened.)

'Never Waiver': Typo or Clever Pun?

2011-11-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

The latest issue of Vanity Fair has a snazzy advertising section promoting the Chevy Camaro. It features Erika Christensen ("Parenthood") and describes her favorite places to go in Los Angeles.

One part says, "Words to live by: 'Never waiver.'"

I thought it was an error, but they are talking about Los Angeles.

You should never sign a waiver because you may need to sue later? Good advice!

Is This a Bad Time to Be Pushing Banker-Themed Toys?

2011-11-22T22:22:00.001-08:00

We've begun receiving a catalog called The Land of Nod, an offshoot of Crate & Barrel focused on kids' toys and furnishings.

They have a pretty great selection of stuff, but I wonder about their toys devoted to careers. The idea is to ask your child what they want to be when they grow up, then buy them the appropriate gear.

Is the $19.95 kit devoted to future bankers going to sell well this year?

'Daddy, Do You Know Batman?'

2011-11-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

The following is a near-verbatim transcript of a conversation with Elliot, age 3.

"Daddy, can I hold Alice's hat?"

"Alice is wearing her hat, and it's cold. So we should keep it on her head."

"Daddy, do you know that some people have cars that plug in?"

"I did know that. Do you know what those cars are called?"

"Robots?"

"Electric cars."

"Daddy, is this whistling?"

[Hums.]

"No."

"Daddy, can we get a cat?"

"I don't think so, Elliot."

"Why not?"

"Maybe someday."

"Why not now?"

"We have enough going on without an animal in the house."

"But I could take it with me when I go for a walk."

"Cats aren't very good at going on walks."

"Then it could stay home while I go for a walk."

"We're not getting a cat."

"Daddy, do you know Batman?"

"No. Well, I know who he is."

"You can only see his shadow."

"Is that scary?"

"Yes."

"Okay, but he's a not a bad person."

"Daddy, Alice took off her hat. Can I hold it now?"

The Mystery of 'Uncle Jake' Solved

2011-11-20T10:21:00.000-08:00

It felt odd that Elliot's imaginary friend was "Uncle Jake," since the name seemed to come out of nowhere.

Then Kelly discovered the origin of Uncle Jake — "Usual Suspects"-style!

She was reading Elliot one of his current favorite books, "Oh, the Places You'll Go," when she came upon this page.

It's probably the most poignant page of the book, Kelly says. So it's not surprising that Elliot would take something from this and conjure up an imaginary person.

Still, it's funny where kids pick things up.

What's an Appropriate Lullaby for a Baby?

2011-11-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

I haven't yet tested Notorious B.I.G. on Alice to see if it soothes her. But I do try out a lot of different songs when it's time for sleep.

Since I don't always remember the words to real lullabies, I usually just make something up or modify a popular song (often from the 1980s).

I find that Tracy Chapman's "Baby Can I Hold You?" is very apropos (with small changes):

"Baby, can I hold you, tonight?
Maybe if I hold you the right away
Ooo, at the right time
You won't cry."

I also often find myself singing this:

"Hey, little girl, is your daddy home...
Did he go and leave you all alone?
NO WAIT, I'M RIGHT HERE.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. I'm on fire."

Maybe that one's weird.

Why Is Tintin Not Allowed to Use This Product?

2011-11-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

Does the Lettuce Go at the Top or the Bottom?

2011-11-17T00:01:00.001-08:00

Tonight I was in charge of making dinner — a rarity. Since I'm not much of a chef, dinner consisted of sandwiches.

When I set down the meal in front of my wife, she made a remark about how I always make sandwiches "upside-down." I put the lettuce at the bottom, with the meat and cheese on top.

"Ha, you're kidding, right?" I said. "The lettuce is supposed to go at the bottom. What, did you not grow up in this country?"

Kelly insisted that, in fact, putting the lettuce *above* the meat is more common.

Since this seemed like the most absurd notion imaginable, I suggested settling the matter with a quick Internet search.

What we found shocked and horrified me.

The truth is, most "American" sandwiches put the lettuce above the meat.

McDonalds

Burger King

Wendy's

Quiznos

This is astounding. I feel like Bruce Willis at the end of "The Sixth Sense."

I now wonder if I'm not a sleeper agent, programmed during the Cold War by the Soviets (who got a few of the details wrong). Did they forget to activate me because of the breakup of the U.S.S.R.?

And what will I discover next?

Stephen Baldwin is the best Baldwin? Black licorice is edible? Soccer is a spectator sport?

The mind reels.

Gift Idea: a Peeing Santa Liquor Dispenser

2011-11-16T00:01:00.001-08:00

Around Christmastime three years ago, I asked for a globe liquor dispenser from Target (I also requested it for Father's Day 2009). I was rebuffed on both occasions, and who knows if they even sell the thing anymore.

No worries, because this is even better: a peeing Santa liquor dispenser (courtesy of the Laughing Squid site).

The only downside: I'm a little concerned that Santa appears to be using some kind of prosthetic. (The Whizzinator?)

Imaginary Friends: Cute or Creepy?

2011-11-15T00:01:00.001-08:00

Elliot is a boisterous, chatty guy, but he also can be shy around new people. When I take him to the playground, he often plays by himself — even when there are other kids his age.

Is Uncle Jake nearby? (Photo credit: Kelly)

I can tell he feels lonely sometimes. But for better or worse, he's already developed a coping mechanism: an imaginary friend.

Apparently when Elliot is alone, a man named "Uncle Jake" appears and has a picnic with him.

Uncle Jake lives very far away, and interestingly, he's not an uncle. "Uncle" is actually his first name, Elliot explains.

I guess we should be happy Elliot is exhibiting an imagination. And if Uncle Jake helps him feel less lonely, great.

But does his imaginary friend have to sound so much like a child predator? And dear God, what if he's actually real?

I could forbid Elliot from seeing Uncle Jake, but I think that might get weird.

'The Happiest Baby on Earth'

2011-11-14T00:01:00.001-08:00

As I discussed the other day, Alice is a crazy-happy human being. It's infectious.

I compiled this video from a few days of footage, but I could have just as easily followed her around for a minute or so and gotten an equal number of smiles.

The Sweetest Stalker Ever?

2011-11-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

The other day Kelly was bringing the kids in from the backyard when she heard a voice from above.

"Hi!"

She looked up to see a little girl in a tree, on the other side of our fence.

"I'm Maria."

They had a brief chat and then Kelly went on with her day.

Later on, I was walking around the block with Elliot and his cousin Margot when we noticed a little girl watching us. Again, it was Maria.

The day after that, Maria came to our door (with her dad) and dropped off a picture she'd drawn.

Left to right it's Kelly, me, Margot, Elliot and Maria herself standing in front of our house. (Maria apparently hadn't gotten a good enough visual on Alice yet, so she's not pictured.)

Now, normally when someone does surveillance on you and then produces a detailed drawing of your family and property, that might seem a bit creepy.

In this case, it's maybe the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Baby 'Hypnotized' by Biggie Smalls

2011-11-12T13:50:00.001-08:00

You may have seen this video of a baby being soothed by Notorious B.I.G.'s "Hypnotize." (Thanks for pointing this out, BuboBlog Marin County correspondent Lauren.)

Much as I love hip-hop, the baby's reaction is surprising to me. Kelly has read that hip-hop and heavy metal are bad for baby's brains, so we've avoided playing either type of music around our little ones. (We do have a "Hip-Hop for Babies" CD that seems safe enough, but it doesn't have lyrics.)

UPDATE: Kelly reminds me that it was just gangsta rap that was banned. (I suppose Heavy D would still be cool for babies.) But it seems like Biggie Smalls' "Hypnotize" would qualify as gangsta rap, in that it describes gun violence, kidnapping and drug use.

Anyway, I wonder if the YouTube clip will help sales of the Notorious B.I.B. bib, as seen here on a newborn Elliot.

Low-Probability Candidate for 'Better Homes and Gardens'

2011-11-10T00:21:00.000-08:00

We moved out of the city less than a year ago, and already we have a disaster of a backyard. It's so full of hastily built structures it can only be compared to a Brazilian favela.

There are numerous cardboard-box homes and vehicles. If you look closely, there's a plastic tote bag hanging from a tree — no idea how that got there.

I guess it's a good testing ground for children to prepare for the Occupy movement.

The centerpiece is this sprawling plastic cube contraption that Elliot got for his birthday (below). I managed to squeeze into it once. (I had to be extracted by someone lifting the structure up over me. I'm not proud of this moment.)

At one point we caught him trying to drag his sister in.

I'm pretty sure we never would have seen her again if he hadn't been stopped.

Why I Would Make a Terrible Protester

2011-11-09T23:28:00.000-08:00

Tonight UC Police tried to prevent Cal students from setting up an encampment on campus.

From the Chronicle:

Students joined arms and chanted "hold the line" and "the whole world is watching" while police approached with batons and bean-bag guns.

I'm glad I wasn't there, since it's physically impossible for me to chant "hold the line" without adding "love isn't always on time." I admire anyone who can resist that temptation.

Kids Are Weird

2011-11-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

Kelly bought Elliot a plastic toolkit from Home Depot. (Until now, he's been using the reflex hammer from his toy medical bag to handle construction tasks.)

Shortly after opening the box, he raised his tools to the heavens and shouted, "SOMETHING IS BROKEN!" Then he ran over to his make-believe kitchen and started making "repairs."

I wish I could approach my home-maintenance duties with this kind of relish.

'How Not to Fly a Kite'

2011-11-06T20:29:00.000-08:00

It's harder than it looks.

Kelly shot this video, which features Elliot, cousin Margot and some of their well-meaning elders flying a kite on the North Carolina coastline.

Enjoy.

Unhappy Babies on Product Packaging

2011-11-05T00:22:00.000-07:00

I always find it mysterious when I see packaging for a baby product with a picture of an unhappy baby. Was it that hard to get the kid to smile?

Kelly has a great baby carrier called the Lillebaby. It offers six different carrying positions, and according to the promotional materials, the baby looks miserable in all but one of them.

Then there's this infant bath seat. It's a fine product, but the child looks constipated here.

Maybe I have a skewed perspective because Alice is an insanely happy baby.

Honestly, most of the time she looks ecstatic just to be alive. It's almost creepy.

This is how you get Alice to smile. Step 1: Make eye contact. Step 2: There is no Step 2.

I wouldn't want her shilling for baby products. But I guarantee this is how she'd handle it: "I may not understand what you're selling, mister, but I'M GOING TO ROCK THIS THING."

At Last...the Holy Grail of Stop Signs

2011-11-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

Back when I did my survey of Berkeley stop-sign graffiti, I lamented that there was no "STOP collaborate and listen."

But thanks to a tip from a reader, I discovered that one exists in Berkeley on California Street (at Prince) — not far from the Oakland border. So I swung by and snapped a photo.

It's a predominantly African-American neighborhood, so it's perhaps ironic that someone would pay homage to ol' Rob Van Winkle. Still, I'm excited to make this addition to my collection.

For the complete series, click here.

Tigers and Monkeys and Cinderellas, Oh My

2011-11-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

We experienced a lot of firsts this year: our first Halloween in Berkeley, Elliot's first time trick-or-treating, and our first time living someplace where people actually came to our door seeking candy (something that almost never happened when we were in SoMa).

Not surprisingly, Elliot was a tiger. He held firm to the costume idea, even when his cousin Margot tried to convince him to be a prince (and then, in an attempt at compromise, a tiger prince). She was Cinderella.

Alice wore Elliot's old monkey costume, but somehow made it her own.

She may not be walking yet, but she'll pounce if you get too close (something her cousin Leigh learned here).

Leigh (1 year old) was Tigger, giving Elliot a trusty tiger sidekick.

Margot (age 3) already knows how to accessorize.

Sitting on the front steps at nightfall.

In the end, our house ended up being one of the more festive on the block (thanks to the giant spiderweb). I hope we met everyone's expectations.

Behold the Webmaster

2011-10-31T18:17:00.000-07:00

I came home from work to find that our Halloween display was MUCH IMPROVED. As is the case in general, good things only happen when I'm not involved. (Yes, I realize that the real spider didn't do this.)

The scariest part of the display was probably this discarded newspaper.

I hate that it forced me to confront the grim future of print journalism.

I'm Not Sure This Is Going to Cut It

2011-10-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

As I discussed earlier, the pressure is on for us to decorate our house for Halloween. The previous residents made a big deal out of the holiday, and our neighbors are looking to us to continue the tradition.

Well, so far, it doesn't look promising.

On our front door is a pumpkin that Elliot painted at preschool. Hey, I don't want to belittle the kid's artistic abilities, but this is not going to frighten anyone.

We carved pumpkins, with varying degrees of success. This one was created under the direction of Margot, Elliot's cousin.

Elliot's pumpkin is below. Some kind of animal ate away its face last night, which definitely helped make it scarier. But maybe not the good kind of scary.

While I was sizing up our decorations, I noticed I gigantic spider. (I snapped this photo of him after shooing him onto a piece of paper.)

He's probably the most frightening thing we have going. I think I'm going to turn over the decorating tasks to him.

Tintin Pumpkin

2011-10-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

As Tintin fever heats up in anticipation of the new film, someone in Texas carved this delightful pumpkin (named as a top carving by the This Old House site).

Of course, it couldn't compete with this Steve Jobs pumpkin — way more timely.

'Puppies vs. Babies' Should Resonate in San Francisco

2011-10-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

Back when we lived in SoMa, we would take Elliot to an indoor toddler play area called Recess. Directly across the street was a dog "free play" facility called Muttley Crew.

It was always my wish that the dog lovers and the kid lovers would come out to the street for some kind of Jets-vs.-Sharks dance-off ["kid lovers" is maybe not the best phrasing -ed.].

That never happened, but a new show on Animal Planet may be the next best thing: "Puppies vs. Babies."

Having no dog, I think I need to root for the humans.

'Yo Ho'

2011-10-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

I came across a restaurant called Yo Ho in Cary, N.C.

I feel like the local high school kids must have some fun with this one.

A Vacation With Small Kids Is No Vacation at All

2011-10-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

We spent the past week in North Carolina for my brother's wedding and had a great time. But the trip required us to fly cross-country with two small children (and enough luggage for a passage to India) — something I'm in no hurry to do again.

I think I reached the end of my rope while changing planes in Atlanta. There's nothing like trying to wash and dry a child's poopy underpants in the lavatory of the world's busiest airport — all while said child wanders around a crowded bathroom with no pants on. An older man (his kids long since grown, I assume) looked over at me and said, "I don't miss that."

The scene was followed by Elliot dropping his suitcase down an escalator, hiding under the seats at the gate and chasing after one of those beeping electric carts.

For much of the time, we rolled Elliot around on his Trunki, which at least kept him moving. Still, he managed to nearly collide with dozens of fellow travelers. It didn't help that many stopped to compliment his matching tiger shoes and luggage.

Alice is always a pretty mellow baby, but she got sick during the trip, which made her more irritable than usual. At one point, Kelly was holding her up to give her a kiss when Alice managed to throw up in Kelly's mouth.

It's become a cliche to say, "I threw up in my mouth a little bit," so I suppose it's refreshing that she threw up in someone else's mouth. No one can say you aren't original, Alice.

Toddler Hugs Dad via Computer

2011-10-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

This video is now making the rounds online, acting as a counterpoint to the clip of the baby thinking a magazine is an iPad. In this one, a 2-year-old listens to a prerecorded reading of a story by her dad, who is away on military duty. At the end, the little girl hugs the computer monitor.

Some people have decried the idea of a video standing in for a real person, but really, what's the alternative? In the old days, children of deployed soldiers only would have gotten a few moments on the phone. And anyone who's tried to have a phone conversation with a toddler knows it's not a very satisfying experience for either party.

I'd say this is better than nothing.

Hurry, the Light Is Changing...Psych!

2011-10-24T00:44:00.000-07:00

I've discussed countdown crosswalk signals before (specifically, the lack of them in New York and the absurdly long countdowns in D.C.).

San Francisco's model makes the most sense to me: The timer counts down until the "don't walk" signal appears. (Crazy, I know.) Well, here in Berkeley, they get a little more creative. Along Martin Luther King Way, the signals often count down, only to switch back to "walk." WTF?

Here's a video shot on Martin Luther King.

I guess the idea is to warn pedestrians that the light *could* be about to change. But if there's no cross traffic, it reverts to "walk."

Still, it's a bit disconcerting. And does it teach people to basically ignore them altogether?

Maybe some traffic engineers out there have thoughts on this.

Darth Elliot

2011-10-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Kids are turning to the Dark Side younger and younger these days.

Is H.O.T. the Worst Public-Safety Acronym Ever?

2011-10-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

If you ride BART, you may have seen safety advisories urging you to report anything "H.O.T."

What does H.O.T. stand for? Hidden, Obviously suspicious and not Typical for the location.

Setting aside the fact that it's impossible to call the authorities and say, "Hello, I've just seen something H.O.T." without giggling, this is an absolutely terrible acronym and mnemonic device.

Let's say I spot something odd on BART and need to remember if I should report it. So I summon the H.O.T. system from the recesses of my mind.

Even if I remember what the letters stand for, it's not going to be much help:
—H is for Hidden. This one makes sense. A hidden package is something to report.
—O is for Obviously. Obviously what? If someone is obviously gay, should I report that?
—T is for Typical. This is the worst part of the whole thing, because you're actually looking for something NOT typical. (It's as if LOL stood for "Laughing (not) Out Loud.") So a person has to remember that the T stands for Typical, and then remember that they actually should be remembering the opposite of that.

There hasn't been this strained an acronym since "Come Pet the P.U.S.S.Y."

'The Adventures of Tintin': Unofficial Titles Sequence

2011-10-17T00:01:00.001-07:00

A fan of Tintin has created an unofficial titles sequence for the upcoming "Adventures of Tintin" film, and it's pretty great.

The Adventures of Tintin from James Curran on Vimeo.

It references all 24 of the books, including the ones that nobody read ("Tintin in the Land of the Soviets"). It's very elegant in the way it quotes from Herge's work. There's even a spoiler — the clip reveals the thief from "The Castafiore Emerald."

By the way, it looks like the title of the film has changed since I last blogged about it. The name no longer has "The Secret of the Unicorn" in it. Maybe they figured it was too much clutter. (But it worked so well for "Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole"!)

Alice Is Ready for Combat

2011-10-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Despite her early precociousness, Alice still isn't fully crawling yet. But she is now doing the same "combat crawl" that Elliot once favored.

She likes to do it while holding Elliot's toy knife, which makes it a bit more menacing.

Baby Doesn't Understand Why Magazine Isn't an iPad

2011-10-14T00:20:00.000-07:00

You may have seen this video circulating the Web. A 1-year-old girl struggles to comprehend why photos in a magazine don't zoom when she makes the "swiping" motion with her fingers. (Question: If she's growing up in such a tech-savvy household, why can't her parents hold the camera at the correct angle?)

Alice is currently at the age when she desperately wants to crumple paper into her mouth. So it's safe to say she would prefer a real magazine to an iPad. But we'll see how long that lasts.

When Elliot was still in his paper-eating phase, I captured my own video.

Is This Some Kind of Threat?

2011-10-11T22:47:00.001-07:00

This will be our first Halloween in Berkeley, and apparently there's pressure for us to deck out our home. Multiple neighbors have approached Kelly to say that Halloween was a pretty big deal for the old residents of our house, who were fond of elaborate decorations.

I think the neighbors sensed we weren't taking the responsibility seriously enough because I walked outside one morning to find this.

I'm not sure what to make of this, but it does seem like someone wants to send a message.

Is it the Halloween-decoration equivalent of the "Godfather" horse head?

Perhaps they've seen our parkway strip and know that we need a little prodding.

What's Considered a 'Bad Word'?

2011-10-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

Now that Elliot's 3, he's paying much closer attention to the words we use.

Fortunately, my wife and I aren't predisposed to course language (my worst is usually "mothergrabbin'"). When I get upset, it's like watching an edited-for-TV film on the FX channel.

But having a small child really puts a spotlight on the things we say. I never realized how often I utter "What the heck?" until Elliot started repeating the phrase. Kelly got annoyed with this, and now I'm banned from saying it.

Is it profane or vulgar? Maybe not, but I guess you don't want a 3-year-old peppering his language with "What the heck?"

Tonight Elliot had to leave dinner to use the bathroom. His underwear and pants were wet, so I took them off.

Elliot then tried to return to the dining table.

"Wait, you can't do that."

"Why?"

"You need to at least put on clean underwear."

"Why?"

"Because you don't want to get food in your junk."

I realized immediately I'd made a mistake.

"What's 'junk'?" Elliot said.

"Uh, your...area. Down there."

"'Junk,' that's funny, Daddy."

Ugh. That one has definitely been committed to his memory banks.

Girls vs. Boys: Who Will Make My LIfe More Miserable?

2011-10-07T00:11:00.000-07:00

A recent post in the Mommy Files blog discusses how boys are basically a lost cause. You may try to raise them right, but they'll drop out of school, get fired from their jobs, have out-of-wedlock births and play video games all day.

I don't doubt that boys may be trouble later in life, but I personally am dealing with children at an earlier stage — and focused purely on their impact on me.

The fact is, when it comes to babies, boys can be less demanding.

Take the issue of diaper changing.

Girls are much more likely to have diaper leaks. When they pee, it goes everywhere. Boys, on the other hand, are anatomically predisposed to point toward the diaper pad. That limits the amount of leakage. (Never let it be said that I don't tackle the important issues here at BuboBlog.)

Worse, girls seem to complain when they have even a small amount of pee in their diapers. As I've stated before, boys could have a rodent infestation in their diapers without noticing (in fairness, I'm dealing with a sample size of one, so I probably shouldn't generalize).

The main point is, if you do a half-assed job changing a girls' diaper, THEY CAN TELL. They notice. If this isn't some broader message about dealing with women, I don't know what is.

So when it comes to years 0-1, I have to give the advantage to the boys — in terms of easines.

Stay tuned as I address 2-17.

UPDATE: Kelly makes a good point about spraying the walls. And the fact that they have to sell this product indicates that baby boys aren't actually that easy.

I guess I have to call it a draw for the 0-1 age.

Look Like You're a Really Slow Reader

2011-10-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

The New Yorker is selling cases for your iPad or Kindle that look like the cover of a magazine.

It's a fun idea, but are you really going to "look smart" if everyone on the bus thinks you've been reading the same New Yorker for months?

A City Sighs With Relief: the Park Will Open

2011-10-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

BuboBlog doesn't normally like to throw around terms like "hugely influential" or "read by power brokers at the highest levels ofgovernment," but it's hard to argue with these results.

A few days after we asked why Sue Bierman Park had been closed for so many months (despite seemingly being ready for use), city leadersscrambled to schedule opening ceremonies for tomorrow. (Or maybe the event had been planned all along, whatevs.)

Opening the gates.

Here's the scoop from SF Curbed:

The fence comes down tomorrow along with the 5.3-acre swath of green's official opening at 11am, along with a "special announcement" about Ziptrek, the aerial cable ride across Justin Herman Plaza, flying over Vaillancourt Fountain and the bocce court.

Curbed also shows what the site of the park looked like before the Embarcadero Freeway was torn down.

Photo illustration by SF Curbed. Photo Credit: Charles W.Cushman Photograph Collection, Indiana University Archives/Digital LibraryProgram.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around what it must have been like back then — even though I lived in Santa Cruz at the time, and we would come up to visit the city. It's just so radically different now.

I walked by the park this morning and, while the fence was still up, one of the gates was open.

I wondered at the time if it was a trap to lure in "Wall Street" protesters (who have been gathering nearby). So I'm happy to hear the truth.

UPDATE: They've taken down all the fencing, so I was able to take a nighttime stroll through the new park just now.

It looks great. Thanks to everyone who worked on the project — worth the wait.

I'm Not Sure It Works That Way

2011-10-01T23:19:00.000-07:00

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Elliot."

"I'm going to have a big dream tonight."

"That's great."

"Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"Can you sleep in my bed, so you can see my dream?"

Loved by Toddlers, Loathed by Adults

2011-09-30T00:01:00.001-07:00

The Vaillancourt fountain in Justice Herman Plaza is frequently cited as one of the most reviled landmarks in San Francisco. ~~Herb Caen~~ Allan Temko compared it to a pile of poop, and one critic called it "Stonehenge unhinged with plumbing troubles."

The fountain turned 40 this year, but its longevity hasn't seemed to blunt people's distaste for it. Compare that with the Sutro Tower. It got a chilly reception from San Franciscans when it was completed in 1973, but the generation born since then has grown to love it. In fact, a small but vocal group seems downright obsessed with the Sutro Tower. (I think you know who you are.)

Photo courtesy of JimPrice.com

The Vaillancourt fountain is formally called "Québec libre!" — an attempt by artist Armand Vaillancourt to raise awareness about the Quebec sovereignty movement. (You know, because San Francisco is clearly the epicenter of that struggle.) He irked local officials at the time by spray-painting graffiti on his own sculpture, which the city painted over.

Just this year, the fountain was voted San Francisco's fourth-worst piece of public art by Curbed SF readers.

But there is one group that has undying adulation for Vaillancourt's work: toddlers.

I walk by this fountain almost every day, and I always see young kids drawn into its fascinating mix of concrete and water. (I should note that the structure also is popular with birds, which very much enjoy crapping on it.)

Elliot is one of its fans. He enjoys hopping from block to block, and getting sprayed by water overhead.

You have to admire any fountain that looks this much like a sewage-treatment plant.

Complete with frothy, brown water.

So maybe there's still hope that San Francisco will warm to Vaillancourt Fountain. The next generation is clearly on its side.

UPDATE: Apparently it was Chronicle architecture critic Allan Temko who compared the fountain to poop, not Herb Caen.

From his obit in 2006:

It was Mr. Temko who first described San Francisco's 39-story Marriott Hotel as "the jukebox," and the Vaillancourt Fountain on the Embarcadero as resembling something "deposited by a concrete dog with square intestines."

BuboBlog regrets the error.

More on the 'Up All Night' Names

2011-09-29T00:19:00.000-07:00

Remember when I discussed the improbability of the names in "Up All Night"?

Well, I'm not the only one scratching their head. The Name Candy celebrity-names blog did a whole post on the topic.

Here's an excerpt:

Amy is the daughter of Reagan (Applegate) and Chris (Arnett). Ava (Rudolf) is Reagan’s talk show host boss. Seems a little backwards, right? The writers of the show definitely knew how to pick popular names, but — and this could be purely intentional — they seem to have the decades mixed up.

Amy, at number 135, is by no means an uncommon name, but if Amy’s mom was born around 1975, she’d have given her daughter a name that held the Number 2 ranking for five years around the time she was born. Reagan probably knows a handful of Amys; At its peak, Amy was the name given to 0.8% of children. For reference, that’s double the amount of Avas born in 2010.

To be fair, Reagan knows what it’s like to have an unconventional name and probably did not want that for her kid. Though today Reagan ranks a few places above Amy at number 127, it was pretty near obscure in the mid '70s, drifting in and out of the top 1000 until falling out completely from 1981 to 1992, during the years surrounding Ronald Reagan’s 1981 to 1989 presidency. Safe to say, Reagan probably got a bit of teasing in school.

Ava is a particularly curious choice for a larger than life, Oprah-meets-Ellen, mid-thirties woman. It’s understandable that the writers chose an Oprah sound-alike, but why a name so closely associated with children under ten? In the '70s, Ava was a bit more popular than Reagan, but not by much, drifting in and out of the top 1000. But since 2006, it’s been the top five every year.

Thanks for some validation, Name Candy blog!

(Not) the People's Park

2011-09-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

San Francisco has finally figured out how to keep its parks from devolving into wastelands of urine-stunted grass and broken malt-liquor bottles: Never open them to the public.

That seems to be the strategy with Sue Bierman Park (once known as Ferry Park), the grassy enclave located next to Justin Herman Plaza.

The park has been under renovation since November, when the city began laying new walkways and sod. For months now, it's looked beautiful — with green grass, new trees and immaculate paths. And yet, we've had to admire it through a chain-link fence.

According to the Recreation & Parks department, it was supposed to be opened in June. But there's no sign that anyone is going to take down the fence.

On Monday, someone finally took matters into their own hands.

I walked by the park that morning and discovered the fence had been pulled down.

By the end of the day, the fence was back up.

I understand the city's perspective. There's a homeless encampment next to Justin Herman Plaza, and when they do finally open Sue Bierman Park, its destruction will probably resemble a time-lapse film.

Still, parks are meant to be used, right?

UPDATE: I e-mailed the Parks department to see if there's an opening date.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: It's opening, folks. Click here for the latest.

Girl Horrified by Mucus

2011-09-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

This video lacks any sort of plot resolution, but it's amusing nonetheless.

I think I made that face through most of "Sex and the City 2."

Pulling His Own Weight (Sort Of)

2011-09-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

We're flying to the East Coast next month, so Kelly figured now was a good time to get Elliot his own luggage.

She ended up buying the Trunki suitcase from a company called Melissa & Doug (if you have small kids, you're already aware that Melissa & Doug are taking over the world).

The suitcase appears to be tiger-themed, which is not going to help Elliot's problem. Between this, the sneakers and the fact that he's going to be a tiger for Halloween, it's like we're buying a case of Grey Goose for an alcoholic.

Anyway, the Trunki has wheels and kids can sit on top of it, so parents can pull their children around the airport. This sounds so much better than our previous method — dragging him along the ground by his arm.

For now, Elliot is so excited about his Trunki that he wants to carry it himself, even up and down stairs. We'll see how long that lasts.

The product description says it can support up to 250 pounds. Wow.

I realize we have an issue with childhood obesity in this country. But if you're dragging around a 250-pounder on an orange Trunki, something has gone very wrong.

Reading Is Fundamental, But What About Fake Reading?

2011-09-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

While in Santa Cruz this weekend, Elliot found a paperback copy of "The Hobbit" in my old room.

"That's not the kind of book you're going to like," I said. "There are no pictures."

"I can read it," he said. Elliot sat down on the bed and opened the book.

"Fine, what does it say?" I said.

He stood up. "I need quiet so I can read!"

Elliot marched out of the room, went into my dad's office and shut the door.

He emerged five minutes later, with the book under his arm.

"It had a lot words," Elliot said. "I liked it, though."

A Child's Sweet Laughter or a Desperate Bid for Survival?

2011-09-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

A while back I posted a video of Alice laughing at her brother.

In the clip, Alice only responds to Elliot with laughter — her parents get no reaction.

BuboBlog Westchester County correspondent Kate noticed a similar phenomenon with her kids, so she asked their pediatrician about it.

Apparently it's a survival mechanism. The baby knows the parents won't hurt her, but the older brother is a bit of a wild card. So the laughter is an attempt to butter him up — not unlike how you'd laugh at your boss' lame jokes (except your boss probably won't smother you in your sleep).

It must be working because Elliot adores his sister. Way to kiss up, Alice!

A Surefire Way to Give Your Kid OCD?

2011-09-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

One of Elliot's little friends has a Silly Sam broom-and-dustpan set that talks.

As you sweep, Silly Sam repeatedly says, "Sweeping, sweeping" and "You missed a spot."

This goes on...forever.

You wonder about the rise of obsessive-compulsive disorder in our society. It can't help to have a googly-eyed broom relentlessly drive you to maniacal levels of cleanliness. "You missed a spot, you missed a spot." ARE YOU NEVER SATISFIED, SILLY SAM??

Tonight as I was giving Elliot his bath, he grabbed a sponge and began trying to clean the grout from the tiles. Is this how it begins?

Sock It to Me

2011-09-19T23:48:00.000-07:00

What's better than tiger shoes? Monster socks!

Alice always causes a sensation with these things — a gift from our friends Jon and Anh-Minh.

Remember, being a monster doesn't mean you can't look ladylike.

California's Strange Monopoly on Famous Valleys

2011-09-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

When you think of valleys that are world-famous, what comes to mind?

In America, the list would probably include:

Death Valley
Hidden Valley (the birthplace of ranch dressing)
Napa Valley
Silicon Valley
"The Valley" (San Fernando)

What do they have in common? They're all in California.

No other state has a valley with the same name recognition (yes, the Grand Canyon is technically a valley, but I mean ones with "valley" in the name).

Oregon's Willamette Valley really isn't up there, and neither is New York's Hudson Valley. I was born in Western Massachusetts' Pioneer Valley, but I'm pretty sure even people in Boston couldn't tell you where that is.

What's the reason for California's dominance? Our topography is a factor, no doubt. California is a big state with lots of hills and dales.

But most of our famous valleys are also synonymous with a product. That helps make them memorable. Napa = wine; Silicon Valley = technology; San Fernando = porn.

So buck up, Californians. Our economy and state budget may be in tatters, but when it comes to valleys, we RULE.

BuboBlog Reviews 'Up All Night'

2011-09-17T00:01:00.001-07:00

We just watched the first episode of "Up All Night," a show about a formerly hard-partying couple who have their lives transformed by a new baby.

The series stars Will Arnett as Chris, a lawyer turned stay-at-home dad, and Christina Applegate as Reagan, a mom who goes back to work. It got fairly good reviews (at least in the Chronicle and Hollywood Reporter), and Arnett is awesome in everything ("Arrested Development," "30 Rock"). So I had high hopes.

The pilot didn't quite deliver on those expectations. The jokes surrounding Reagan's work at a talk show mostly fell flat (this is a Lorne Michaels production, so of course it has to involve an unfunny sendup of a talk show), and the pacing was inconsistent. Still, it has potential and I think it may develop a nice groove after a few episodes. For now, I prefer Arnett's last project, "Running Wilde" (that show was canceled after 13 episodes, sadly).

Oddly enough, the baby in "Up All Night" is called "Amy." That's a fairly low-probability name for a person born in 2011. Amy peaked in the 1970s at No. 2, and then plunged in popularity in later decades.

It would be like naming a baby Jennifer. I suppose people somewhere are still doing that (Jennifer ranked 120th in the U.S. last year), but its time has clearly passed. Ironically, Maya Rudolf's character on the show is "Ava." That would be a perfect name for a baby in 2011 — much less likely for a woman in her late 30s.

I suppose "Up All Night" wasn't aiming for realism with its names. Applegate's character is called Reagan — spelled like the president, not the Shakespearean character. The variant didn't really exist as a first name when Applegate was born. (She's nearly 40.)

I suppose this post would have been more accurately labeled, "BuboBlog Reviews the Names in 'Up All Night." Oh well.

The Fine Line Between Useless and Awesome

2011-09-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Huffington Post ran a slide show this week on Baby Products You Don't Need: 11 Useless Baby 'Essentials.'

A couple of the selections, such as the Peekaru (above) and the "ghetto Roomba," have been featured on BuboBlog in the past. But most were new to me.

The Time Out Pad, for instance, lets you set a timer to measure your kid's time-out. That way, the child knows when it's over.

I have to admit, there have been times when I've given Elliot a time-out and then wandered off to do a Kakuro, forgetting that I'd left him shut up in his room. I could definitely use this.

I also was intrigued by this padded baby helmet.

It took Elliot years before he developed any sense of self-preservation. This could have saved him from countless scrapes and bruises, even if it made him look like the slow kid.

This product just plain confused me — My Pee Pee Bottle.

Apparently your kid is supposed to pee in this thing, to spare them the biohazards of using a public restroom. But why does it look like he should be drinking from it?

When I was growing up kids didn't learn to pee in plastic bottles until high school — and then it was to trick their friends into drinking "second-hand" Gatorade. I'm not sure this is something I want to pass down to the next generation.

How Do You Explain a Phone Book to a 3-Year-Old?

2011-09-15T00:01:00.001-07:00

The other day Elliot and I were walking home from the library when we passed a van filled with phone books. Two men were stuffing the directories into bags in preparation to deliver them to people's doorsteps.

I didn't realize it then, but we were witnessing what may be much rarer in the near future. Like other West Coast cities, Berkeley is now moving to curb the delivery of phone books — partly to save trees, but mostly because no one wants them anymore.

From the Chronicle:

Berkeley's City Council is set next Tuesday to push for an anti-phone-book measure like the one adopted by Seattle, in which phone book companies are fined $125 per book for delivering to residents who don't want one.

"It costs a hell of a lot more energy to produce these phone books, deliver them and then recycle them than it does to not produce them in the first place," said City Councilman Gordon Wozniak. "The fact is, you can get all that information online, and most people already do."

When Elliot saw the van filled with phone books, he was riveted.

"What's that, Daddy?"

"Those are phone books, Elliot."

"What is phone book?"

"It's a book with phone numbers in it. So if you want to know someone's number to call them, you open up the book and find their name — it's listed alphabetically — and then you..."

Elliot looked confused.

I had to admit, the whole concept seemed idiotic. He knows we look up everything on the computer, and the important numbers are already stored in our phones. (I went through a similar experience when we walked by the last remaining Blockbuster Video in Berkeley and I had to explain what it was.)

"It's something people sit on to be taller."

San Mateo Bridge, Anyone?

2011-09-14T00:01:00.001-07:00

After lamenting that the Golden Gate Bridge is the only Bay Area span featured in movies and books, I've been envisioning novels that would feature our other fine bridges.

I've done the Bay Bridge, the Richmond-San Rafael and now here's the San Mateo.

Would you read this?

Click here to see the whole series.