Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Gifts for the Children of Your Arch Enemies

Courtesy of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog: five perfect gifts for the children on your list — assuming they aren't actually your children and you can flee the home immediately afterwards.

1. The Pump Action Marshmallow Blaster


Apparently there was demand for a higher-powered way to shoot marshmallows at other people. (This is the biggest of four Hammacher Schlemmer marshmallow firearms — a lineup that includes a "Marshmallow Wrist Cannon" — so we appear to be locked in a marshmallow arms race.)

As with a nuclear assault, the aftereffects of a marshmallow attack can be just as devastating. Use of this weapon virtually guarantees that you'll be finding sticky, gelatinous substances under your couch for years.

2. Children's Night Vision


You know that creepy teenage boy on your street who never makes eye contact? You definitely need to get him this.

I like how the catalog tries to assure us that it will be used to view, say, a cat.


Riiiight.

3. Children's DJ Station


It's loud and makes your kid look like a complete tool — where do I order?

Based on the photo, the product would seem to ensure the child has the kind of social life that later requires night-vision glasses. (Way to get a customer for life, Hammacher Schlemmer.)

4. Water Squirting Remote Controlled Car


"Oh hey, cool car. Wait, what? Why is it shooting me with water? WHY DOES THIS EXIST???" —everyone who has ever encountered this toy.

5. Foam Dart Rotary Cannon


This gift is great if your son really likes guns but isn't yet COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC.

I haven't seen that insane a facial expression since the finale of "Bloodsport."