When I set down the meal in front of my wife, she made a remark about how I always make sandwiches "upside-down." I put the lettuce at the bottom, with the meat and cheese on top.
"Ha, you're kidding, right?" I said. "The lettuce is supposed to go at the bottom. What, did you not grow up in this country?"
Kelly insisted that, in fact, putting the lettuce *above* the meat is more common.
Since this seemed like the most absurd notion imaginable, I suggested settling the matter with a quick Internet search.
What we found shocked and horrified me.
The truth is, most "American" sandwiches put the lettuce above the meat.
This is astounding. I feel like Bruce Willis at the end of "The Sixth Sense."
I now wonder if I'm not a sleeper agent, programmed during the Cold War by the Soviets (who got a few of the details wrong). Did they forget to activate me because of the breakup of the U.S.S.R.?
And what will I discover next?
Stephen Baldwin is the best Baldwin? Black licorice is edible? Soccer is a spectator sport?
The mind reels.