Friday, March 31, 2006

No Thanks, Really

I was reading the Chron's (negative) review of "Basic Instinct 2" when I came across this:

(Sharon Stone's character's) bisexuality is only hinted at, blowing a ripe opportunity for hot sex between Stone and the sensuous as ever Charlotte Rampling.

Um, wait, so that's a bad thing? I'm pretty sure America doesn't want to see Sharon Stone and Charlotte Rampling (combined age: 108) have hot sex. (It was bad enough when Charlotte Rampling flashed the gardener during "Swimming Pool.")

I wonder if this reviewer was also upset that Judi Dench and Maggie Smith never made out in "Ladies in Lavender"? (They didn't, right?)

Warning: Self-Promotion

As some of you know, I wrote a one-act play last year -- my first foray into theater (officially making me a "triple threat" in journalism, stage and screen. So far, the world doesn't appear especially threatened).

Anyway, there's a theater in the D.C. area that runs a one-act play competition every year. So I figured, what the heck, I'll submit my play. Well, it turns out that out of nearly 100 plays, mine won first place.

I got a small cash prize, but the most exciting part is they'll be putting on the play at some point (not as a full production -- as a staged reading or small-scale production).

I feel like this gives me license to start smoking a pipe. We'll see what Kelly says.

Thursday, March 30, 2006


Did I miss something? When did Steeley Dan's Donald Fagen join the Black Panthers?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Jesus, Donald Trump Ruined My Saturday

On Saturday, Kelly and I went to Container Store to buy some big plastic tubs to store my old CD cases (they've been banned from the living room, along with my 1980s-style "wave" CD holder). When we got there, all the parking lots were full -- even the gigantic 5th and Mission garage, which I thought was virtually unfillable.

It turns out there was a "perfect storm" of events going on, thanks to a Donald Trump real estate seminar, a Christian youth rally and construction work on a new hotel that diverted traffic on Fifth Street.

So we had to drive home, park and then walk to the store. I then had to lug all those giant bins all the way home, carried Cossack-style on my back. Damn you, Donald Trump! Damn you, Jesus!

Monday, March 27, 2006


I was excited to see this map of San Francisco that shows how water will rise in the next 100 years in a global-warming situation.

The upshot:
1. Langton Street remains on dry ground (barely)
2. We have bayfront property

With this in mind, I will be trading my car in for a Hummer and lighting up the old fireplace (with coal).

Friday, March 24, 2006

Oh No!

From the front page of today's Examiner:

Why would Doctor Who do that?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Quicksand Update

Here's another guy that died by falling into a quicksand-like substance (sadly, it wasn't feces this time).

Monday, March 20, 2006

What the...

As many of you know, Kelly and I are big fans of the Encore Karaoke Lounge at Polk and California. When we discovered this place a few years ago (I think it was called Tango Tango at the time), it was never crowded. And the few people there were freaks (obese Asian women who sounded like Shirley Temple, guys who looked like the Columbine killers singing "Don't Cry Out Loud," etc.). It was a welcome respite from San Francisco's other karaoke hotspots, such as The Mint (a high-pressure environment in which gay men sing Sade -- only better than she can) or the Silver Cloud (frat boys slur their way through Milli Vanilli, with no attempt to take the art form seriously).

Anyway, boy have times changed! We went to Encore on Saturday night, and the place was overrun by drunk 21-year-old girls! [Uh, is this a complaint? -ed.] I don't recall them actually singing, but they would run around stage and spank one another -- very distracting. One of their interpretive dances involved provacative use of a stool, and while Kelly was singing "I Love Rock 'n' Roll," one girl threw an article of clothing at her (hitting Kelly in the head).

What is the world coming to??

Friday, March 17, 2006

Watch It

Some guy on Caltrain likes to hand out free copies of an intriguing magazine called Watchtower. The only problem is, the issues are often way out of date.

Today I was reading a story called "Do You Know The Truth About Hell?" (Apparently I didn't.) When I flipped to the front cover, I saw that the issue was from 1993!

Hello, I can only imagine what sort of new information about hell they've discovered in the past 13 years. This is unacceptable. Fortunately, I found today that they have a Web site.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Life Imitates Art

I love our neighborhood...

Kelly and I were watching an episode of "Grey's Anatomy," in which the lead character takes swigs directly from a Tequila bottle, staggers around and sings to herself.

"That's the least-realistic drunk-acting ever," I said.

Later on, we're walking around our neighborhood and a woman passes us. She's taking swigs directly from a Tequila bottle, staggering around and singing to herself.

Damn you, madam, are you trying to make a fool of me?

Hanging Out

So apparently we're supposed to be mailing metal coathangers to South Dakota so that they can still have abortions (or something like that).

I'm not sure we have any metal hangers to spare (Kelly made me throw away a lot of them the last time we moved -- who knew!!). But I like the idea. Hopefully South Dakota will pay us back if the courts approve San Francisco's handgun ban by mailing us free handguns.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


Speaking of construction, our old apartment building at 4th and King streets now has a companion tower.

Anyway, they took the wraps off the new building recently, and I have to say, I'm less than impressed. It looks kind of like the other building, but without any of the cool features. As you can see here (below), the first building has a dramatic glass corner that juts out and there's a cool circular element on top.

The new building (not pictured) has none of this. It would seem more at home at Parkmerced than in Mission Bay. Oh well.

By the way, I found this awesome site about San Francisco high-rises that have been recently built or are still under construction. Check it out!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Assumptions Challenged By Shit Pit Deaths

As some of you know, I have a list of MEDIA CREATIONS — things that are commonly perceived to be true but that I doubt have ever really happened in real life.

To name a few:

1. I'm not sure I buy this whole "quicksand" thing. Like, sure it probably exists. But has anyone ever really died in it? Really? I doubt it.

2. Martial arts. Has anyone ever really defeated a stronger, larger opponent in a fight using martial arts? I've certainly never seen it happen in real life. Has anyone else? [Not me. -ed.] I thought so. (And I don't mean in some controlled environment, like a karate match; I mean, in the street, in a bar, etc.)

3. Pickpockets. Can they really take your wallet without you ever knowing? Like even when it's wedged down real good inside your backpocket, and you're wearing a tight pair of Jordaches (as I'm wont to do). Really? Seems unlikely.

Anyway, I may have to rethink my feelings on No. 1. Because it looks like this guy and his son died over the weekend by falling into a giant pile of crap! (I realize this isn't quicksand, but I think the same principles may apply.)

Et Tu, Yanni?

Wow, first Thomas Kinkade and now Yanni??

Monday, March 06, 2006

Pisser Of Light

I used to think the artist Thomas Kinkade (the "Painter of Light") was a loser. But now I've learned that he actually KICKS ASS!

Get a load of this expose in the L.A. Times:

In sworn testimony and interviews, they recount incidents in which an allegedly drunken Kinkade heckled illusionists Siegfried & Roy in Las Vegas, cursed a former employee's wife who came to his aid when he fell off a barstool, and palmed a startled woman's breasts at a signing party in South Bend, Ind.

And then there is Kinkade's proclivity for "ritual territory marking," as he called it, which allegedly manifested itself in the late 1990s outside the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim.

"This one's for you, Walt," the artist quipped late one night as he urinated on a Winnie the Pooh figure...

Mac Dre Saga Update

I was excited to learn over that weekend that Mac Minister -- suspected of killing two men in retaliation for Mac Dre's murder in 2004 -- was arrested right in our old neighborhood (49 Townsend Street).

Apparently a SWAT team was involved and everything. This would certainly be more exciting than anything that happened while we were living there! Oh well, I guess we'll just have to suffice with the homeless shiv fights in our new neighborhood.

Friday, March 03, 2006


Okay, it has been noted that my blog is merely a series of transgressions followed by apologies. If that's the case, I sincerely apologize.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Crucifixion Ain't No Fiction

When I was in college, people used to always say I shouldn't order from Domino's Pizza because the owner was anti-abortion or something.

But now that the Domino's founder is trying to build the largest crucifix in America, I feel like I should throw some bones his way. I mean, this thing is awesome.

I also like the part of this story where Jeb Bush says he doesn't "personally believe in abortion or pornography." Really? He doesn't believe pornography exists? Because I feel like I could show him some online.

Google's Gouda

I guess the secret is out about the amazing free cafeteria at Google headquarters. The Chronicle did a huge spread on the topic in today's paper.

I had the pleasure of visiting Google's HQ for lunch a couple months ago (not business-related — I have a friend who works there), and it's quite something. They have gourmet victuals in every imaginable cusisine. It's all fresh and — most importantly — free.

They also have bins filled with candy interspersed among the cubicles. (This led to an embarassing incident when I helped myself to a big scoop of M&Ms. There were no bags there to put the M&Ms in — I guess they want you to eat them on the premises. Luckily, I had pockets. Take that, Google!)

I was also delighted by one of Google's game rooms, which had video game machines — including some kind of strip-poker video game (um, hello, does this seem like a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen?). Oh wait, I seem to recall signing a confidentiality agreement when I arrived at Google saying I wouldn't discuss anything I saw there. Oops.