Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Cover Me

I would avoid newsstands this month. It seems that my mug will appear on the cover of Macworld. (Doesn't Kelly know I'm trying to keep a low profile!)

Thursday, January 26, 2006

So Fat

As Biggie Smalls famously noted, no trip to Southern Cali is complete without a visit to Fat Burger. (I'm paraphrasing here, since his actual quote was a bit more lurid.)

Anyway, I hit the burger chain's Marina del Rey location on Tuesday and was delighted to learn that Fat Burger is coming to the Yay! An outlet is slated to open in Redwood City sometime this year, and apparently there's already one in Pleasant Hill (I've never been too clear on where that is, but I think it's considered part of the Bay Area).

I'm not necessarily a huge Fat Burger fan, but it seemed like a slight that we never got any Fat Burger love in the past -- while the chain opened locations on the East Coast and even in Canada. And for non-red-meat eaters, Fat Burger is more palatable than In-N-Out (Fat Burger at least serves chicken and turkey burgers).

Trivia, L.A.-style

I was in Los Angeles for business this week and once again took a trip with co-workers to the Fireside. This time around, it was trivia night.

Now, I consider myself somewhat of a trivia connoisseur. And I've been on teams that have won contests at Edinburgh Castle, the Bitter End and Mad Dog in the Fog -- hallowed ground for San Francisco pub trivia. So I figured I'd "show 'em how it's done."

Well, it didn't quite work out that way. First of all, they do their trivia all crazy-like. It's one question at a time, and people bet a certain number of points based on how confident they are. (Actually, that concept is kind of cool.) And there are all these bonus questions and whatnot.

But what made it really hard were the obscure entertainment questions. Example: Name the three main characters (characters -- not the actors that played them) from "Jaws" *and* the nickname that Steven Spielberg gave the mechanical shark during filming.* Or, what award-winning actress won the Miss Teen All-American Pageant in 1985, representing the state of Ohio?**

I tried to protest that these questions "weren't very cerebral," but I had clearly brought shame to myself and the whole San Francisco trivia community. And I left the bar in tears (well, actually I left in a rented PT Cruiser).



* Martin Brody, Quint, Matt Hooper and "Bruce" (the Shark was named after Spielberg's lawyer)
** Halle Berry

Friday, January 20, 2006

Yes!

With six comments and counting (and only two of them by me), the Pizzuna Tuna Melt is officially the most controversial BuboBlog entry ever!!

Love-Hate Relationship


Ok, this is disturbing...

I get a regular e-mail newsletter from Pinata.com (the place where I got the custom-made piñata for the wedding). Anyway, this week they're promoting Valentine's Day piñatas.

This seemed a little odd in and of itself, since even I — a die-hard piñata lover — couldn't really think of an appropriate way to use a Valentine's Day piñata. But it gets worse. The piñata they're promoting is an electronically enhanced Cupid that says, "I love you," every time you strike it:

Real Fun Sounds Cupid Piñata
Make it an original celebration with our exclusive Cupid Piñata. Our Cupid Piñata says 'I love you' when moved or hit!
Choose a heart, kissing lips or any other of our Valentine piñatas and make this a day to remember.

Doesn't this sound like a "Very Ike Turner" Valentine's?

"I love you."
WHAM!
"I love you."
WHAM!
"I love you."
WHAM!
"I luvvvvvv...." (dies)

I'm concerned this will send the message that domestic violence leads to candy. Who can resist that?!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Pizzuna Melt Sandwich

Check this out: As part of Quizno's 25th anniversary, the sandwich chain is giving away 12 restaurant franchises. To win, you have a few options: a sweepstakes, a video contest or a sub recipe contest.

This seems like serendipity for me, because just the other day I had a groundbreaking idea for a new sandwich. I was eating cold pizza, and Kelly was eating a tuna sandwich, and I thought, "Hmm... I like both pizza and tuna. What if you took two pieces of pizza, used them as bread -- cheese side in -- and sandwiched a bunch of tunafish in between. How delicious would that be?"

Kelly seemed to think America wasn't ready for my idea. But now's my chance to prove her wrong. Prepare for the PIZZUNA MELT SANDWICH!!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

You Fargin' Ice Hole!

Those of you who fear that America is lowering its standards (in dress codes, rules of conduct, body odor) can take solace at your local hockey arena. Kelly and I attended a Sharks game yesterday (thank you Jon-Minh Enterprises LLC for the tickets!) and found that people still take hockey etiquette VERY seriously.

We had some trouble finding our seats and a couple times we got stuck in the aisles while the game was under way -- obstructing the view of other fans. I realize this is a serious no-no in the hockey world, but, damn, people's heads pretty much exploded. We were heckled mercilessly.

This sort of thing never happens at Giants games, where nonchalance reigns. At worst, a Giants fan with rebuke you by not offering any sauvignon blanc from their camelback pouch. In the hockey world, they are more adamant about standards of conduct...or perhaps they just want to hurl insults at clueless people, such as us. Kelly finally reached the end of her tether and called one gentleman a "jerk-off." (Hopefully no children were within earshot.)

Sorry...

I've heard several recent complaints:

1. Why haven't I updated my blog in more than a week?

2. Why did I leave it on a post about a robot with a giant schlong?

3. Is that how you spell schlong?

I will try to repair the damage by posting a picture of a puppy.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Goliath the Robot

I was shocked and dismayed to learn last weekend that a giant robot with a penis in Pacific Heights was vandalized. [That sentence has a dangling modifier, but I'm going to leave it alone. -ed.]

Mainly I was shocked and dismayed that there was a giant robot with a penis in Pacific Heights, and I hadn't heard about it! Apparently the robot — called Goliath — has caused quite a sensation since it went up about two years ago. (Tour buses pull up to look at it.) And yet, I had remained clueless.

Even Kelly knew about it! And she kept it from me. If two people don't even share information about giant robots with penises, surely their marriage is doomed.

Anyway, today I've been looking around the Internet for a full picture of the robot (the one in the Chronicle — see below — was strategically cropped). So far, no luck.



UPDATE: Found one. Thanks, Anh-Minh.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

THE 12 LABORS OF HERACLES:
1. Slay the Nemean Lion and bring back its skin.
2. Slay the Lernaean Hydra.
3. Capture the Ceryneian Hind.
4. Capture the Erymanthian Boar.
5. Clean the Augean stables in one day.
6. Slay the Stymphalian Birds.
7. Capture the Cretan Bull.
8. Steal the Mares of Diomedes.
9. Obtain the Girdle of Hippolyte.
10. Obtain the Cows of Geryon.
11. Steal the Apples of the Hesperides.
12. Cancel AOL membership.

... I did it. After more than 10 years as an AOL member, I cancelled my membership. Let me tell you, it was not easy. They don't let you do it anywhere online, so I had to call them. Then they made me go through an elaborate phone tree and wait on hold for 10-15 minutes.

Finally, someone answered the phone. I think she said her name was "Nelly," but it was hard to tell through her thick Indian accent. She quickly began trying to ingratiate herself by telling jokes (for example, about how the computers were running slow because they were still recovering from the holidays) and then laughing heartily for long periods.

It soon became apparent that Nelly and I inhabited different universes. In my universe, I was trying to cancel my AOL membership. In hers, I was doing no such thing. She kept trying to convince me that AOL's security features were worth hundreds of dollars and that I was lucky to be getting them "free" with my membership (a membership that costs $24 a month). When I thought we'd finally come to an agreement, she said she would pay for an additional month of my membership and that I could call back in February if I was still unsatisfied. I almost went along with this, but there was no way I wanted to call again in a month (plus, Kelly threatened domestic violence if I didn't cancel). So I stuck to my guns.

The conversation then started to get a little ridiculous -- like that episode of Seinfeld where George's girlfriend refuses to let him break up with her. At last, she agreed to let me cancel. Only then did she tell me a very important bit of information: I can keep my AOL e-mail account after I cancel -- I just have to access it through AOL.com. Since my e-mail account was the main reason I'd kept my account this long, this would have been nice to know a long time ago!

Oh well, whatever...it's nice to know it's finally over.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

COSTCO STREET JUSTICE!


Wait...I almost forgot the highlight of the weekend: When Kelly administered her own brand of ass-whupping at the Costco.

It all went down on Monday, when we took advantage of our day off to do some shopping at the Costco on 10th Street. Shopping carts are in short supply at this particular location, so we took pains to find one in the far recesses of the parking garage and get it up the elevator into the store.

So you can imagine our consternation when — after we both stepped away from the cart for a moment -- someone took it. At first, we figured there was just a mixup and that someone would soon realize their error. But after searching around for 10 minutes, the cart appeared gone for good. Worse, it had my umbrella in it!

We had pretty much given up on it when Kelly spotted a woman pushing a cart that had my umbrella sticking out of the front. The woman had managed to fill the cart with quite a few items since seizing it, but she foolishly neglected to discard the evidence of her crime. Ha!

Kelly dashed across the aisle and commandeered the cart. I believe the exchange went something like this (I'm not sure exactly, since I was hiding behind a stack of Kirkland-brand slacks at the time):

Kelly: That's our cart!
Woman: Oh, really?
Kelly: You can see our umbrella right there!
Woman: It did seem odd.

But now they had a conundrum, since this woman had packed the cart with stuff. We couldn't really expect her to unload everything. Fortunately, Kelly had an answer:

Kelly: You need to go find us another cart!
Woman: What?
Kelly: I'll stay here with your cart, and you go get us another one.

Keep in mind, this was no small demand. The woman would have to go outside the store (in the rain), find a cart and drag it all the way back. But she said, "OK," and walked away. I thought she was just going to bail, maybe just abandon her items and load up another cart (or just steal another one, as is her way). But she came back with a fresh cart for us.

I then emerged from my hiding place, ready to bask in Kelly's victory.

The moral: In the world of Kelly Street Justice, crime does not pay!!

Happy New Year, loyal readers...

We ushered in 2006 with a free concert on Friday night and then a small-yet-rowdy party on New Year's Eve. We had a good time, but apparently not as good as the host, who e-mailed the next day to say he didn't remember anyone leaving the party or even counting down to midnight. He also wondered why his coffee table had been pushed up against an open window and did anyone jump out? (Not that I can recall, friend.)

I feel like this photo (expertly taken on my new camera phone) sums up the evening pretty well: