Battle of the Island Prisons

The movie "Shutter Island," starring Leonardo DiCaprio, is opening this month. It depicts a fictitious mental hospital for the criminally insane, located on an island that bears no small resemblance to San Francisco's own Alcatraz. (It's also set in the 1950s, when Alcatraz was still going strong as a prison.)



This got me thinking: How does Alcatraz measure up against the cinema world's greatest island prisons? Well, let's take a look.

1. CHATEAU D'IF



This is the island prison featured in the fictional "Count of Monte Cristo," but it's the real-deal-holyfield — located about a mile off shore near Marseilles.
Opened: 1531
Size: 30,000 square meters
Famous inmates: Edmond Dantès (aka the Count of Monte Cristo) and a bunch of Huguenots
Screen time: Dantès was most recently played onscreen in 2002 by James Caviezel, in a non-Jesus role. The island also appears in "The French Connection" (1971).
Awesome Index (out of 100): 85

2. RIKERS ISLAND



This Bronx facility holds about 14,000 prisoners, most of which are pretrial detainees. That's why it features prominently in "Law & Order."
Opened: 1932
Size: 413 acres
Famous inmates: Sid Vicious, a crapload of "Law & Order" characters
Screen time: Aside from being mentioned regularly on every Dick Wolf show, Rikers hasn't been spotlighted in many movies (here's one called "Shackles"). Maybe its sweeping view of Queens isn't picturesque enough.
Awesome Index: 60

3. ALCATRAZ ISLAND



Welcome to The Rock, an island prison so bad-ass that Michael Bay, a Creed concert and millions of Fisherman's Wharf tourists haven't managed to sully its reputation.
Opened: 1934
Size: 22 acres
Famous inmates: Al Capone, Machine Gun Kelly, Robert Stroud (the Birdman of Alcatraz), John Patrick Mason (played by Sean Connery), Frank Morris (played by Clint Eastwood)
Screen time: "Birdman of Alcatraz" (1962), "Escape from Alcatraz" (1979), "Murder in the First" (1995), "The Rock" (1996)
Awesome Index: 90

4. EREHWON PENITENTIARY



Erewon ("nowhere" backwards) is a secret prison hidden inside an off-shore oil platform off the California Coast. (If we built more of these, we could solve the state's revenue and prison-overcrowding problems in one fell swoop!) Warning: Erewon Penitentiary doesn't abide by the Geneva Conventions, and you might wake up one day with someone else's face.
Opened: Unknown
Size: Secret
Famous inmates: Castor Troy (played by Nicolas Cage)
Screen time: "Face/Off" (1997)
Awesome Index: 100

Sorry, Alcatraz — it's hard to compete with Erewon's magnetic boots.

We're (Pa)Jammin'

I had enough trouble convincing Elliot that it's not okay to walk around pantless. Now I have to worry about the corrupting influence of China's pajamas-in-public epidemic.



Apparently it's quite popular these days for people in Shanghai to go out in their jammies. According to the BoingBoing site, "with the 2010 World Expo in Shanghai just three months away, city officials have launched a public etiquette clampdown targeting the unseemly practice."

Thank you, Chinese officials. Elliot is just looking for an excuse to wear his pajamas outside. I'd hate to see him watch the 2010 World Expo (as he's wont to do) and get the wrong idea.

'Drink Liquor'

You have to admire this liquor store in the Inner Richmond, which is called "Drink Liquor."



I wish more neighborhood establishments were this direct with their names. For instance, our corner store should really be called "Pay $1.50 for a Snickers."

The Shell gas station could be renamed "Subsidize Foreign Dictators." And the main branch of the library would be "Homeless? Come Look at Porn on Our Computers."

Ad Shamelessly Targets Mayans

It's not right when corporations exploit the most vulnerable members of society for financial gain. Clearly, the Pella company aims to trick Mayans into buying new windows and doors with an offer that doesn't require payment until after the world ends.

Thank You, Google

By the way — because of my recent post — if you enter "Chaucer" and "R. Kelly" into Google, you're only headed one place, friend, and that's RIGHT HERE.

I practically OWN that search result!

(Now if only I could find a way to monetize it.)

Golden Gate University's 'Shine' Ads

You've probably seen the "Shine" advertisements for Golden Gate University. They're posted all over downtown San Francisco.



The ads always make me think of the movie "Shine," which featured Geoffrey Rush's Oscar-winning portrayal of a brilliant-yet-mentally-unbalanced pianist.



To be fair, the Golden Gate ads are a little different than the movie poster. (As you can see in the top picture, the man has a necktie.)

Still, it got me wondering if the ads are meant to reference the movie. That would be a bold choice, given the fact that the main character was insane.

So I did a little digging. It turns out "Shine" wasn't the only slogan that Golden Gate University considered.

I've obtained a few mockups of their earlier ad ideas...







All things considered, "Shine" was probably the best choice.

Stardate 2010

Captain's Log: I appear to be dressed in a Star Trek uniform onesie.



The tricorder indicates that my parents are complete dorks.



At least they didn't dress me in a red uniform.

While We're at It...

What's up with Australian country artist Keith Urban singing about Fourth of July and Northern Hemisphere summer?

Dude, have a little pride: Australia Day is in January.

You need to keep it real.

What's Worse Than a Fake British Accent?

Fake British spelling!

I came across the new album by OK Go, a band from Chicago that currently lives in Los Angeles. It's called "Of the Blue Colour of the Sky."



Maybe this is just the latest round in the decades-old tat-for-tat competition between American and British rock musicians. First the Rolling Stones stole our accents, so Green Day and the Killers stole theirs. Now apparently we're stealing their spelling too.

I hope Coldplay or Oasis will exact their revenge by naming their next album: "I Got Mad After Spilling My Favorite French Fries in an Elevator at the Theater."

UPDATE: It should be noted that OK Go wasn't the first to do this. There was Living Colour, of course (out of New York). And in 1997, the Seattle-based Foo Fighters released an album called "The Colour and the Shape."

That album only reached No. 10 on the U.S. charts, but it hit No. 3 in the United Kingdom. Clearly they were pandering!

SoMa Is Very Thirsty

Coca-Cola has placed a version of this billboard in a at least three spots South of Market (near 5th and Howard, at 10th and Howard, and by 7th and Berry). It's promoting a new twin-pack container of two 50-ounce bottles.

It seems unlikely that "Enough for your meal" is going to end up in the pantheon of classic Coke advertising slogans. Do they mean you should drink the 100 ounces of Coke instead of a regular meal? (That would add up to almost 1,200 calories, so I guess it would be pretty filling.) Maybe they're targeting people with large families.

In 1924, people were excited enough by a plain-old six pack.



However, promoting large containers isn't a new trend. I found this ad from 1950 where the Coke drinkers appear to be huddled around a terrifyingly large bottle.



I see that some people have criticized the new "Enough for your meal" campaign because it promotes unhealthy lifestyles. But since a lot of people in SoMa would usually make their "meal" out of a fifth of E&J Brandy, this is probably an improvement.

Tell Me About the Pass

I've always been a little confused by fortune-teller signs that promise to reveal the "past, present and future." I've pretty much got a handle on the past and present parts already, thanks.

But this fortune teller near my office takes it a step further by promising to discuss the "pass."



I'll tell you one thing: Brett Favre could have used some pass guidance before he threw that season-ending interception last week. He should have gone to Crystal Reader!